flying down from
honeymoons & perfection
outside windows
stained with
illusions
it’s like fishing for happiness
without the worms
marshes are dried
& the land smells of
fury
poisoning beaks
that swallow emotion
whole
slung wings
tickle freedom
on the stomach
ending with regurgitated
delight
so tails pinned up
by back-end sorrow
turn
away from love
once owning the sky
two jumps
of failed flights;
a clawed quarrel
& snapped twig
nest
taking the hope-hops
toward assumed
heavens...
a moment for a pause
of regretful song
until ruination repeats –
they plucked each other’s feathers
& cooked each other’s soul
in unison
then toke-off on guilt trips
at the same airway...
eyes behind glass
call this
divorce dances
of the hawk
Author notes
I was watching these bluejays in my backyard & woods today, they took two jumps, then stopped, then two jumps and repeated this forever at the same time as they got farther and farther away from each other. It was very intruiqing...
A contest entry
- Battle of the Brilliant [For those of you who have won trophies in my contests only] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended July 20, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - aesthetic articulation [prewrites & apply.] by blackday.
2250 points, ended August 24, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended July 30, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you deserve this? by Never Fall in Love.
850 points, ended August 14, 2007, 60 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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wow... this really deserved all the trophies that you got for this piece... this was great.
Thank you so much for entering and participating in my contest and good luck,
~lumin -
I see this won gold in one of my contests..almost a year ago. Wow. I think your ideas were amazing. I thought the flow was rather choppy---besides that..pretty damn awesome. I can see why it won gold [three, in fact]. Very nice.
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I love the short chopping phrasing, it really makes the movements of the birds come to life. Great imagery and I like the sense of objectivity interjected into the display you witnessed and captured so well. Did you mean "took -off" towards the conclusion?
splendidly crafted,
Kj
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This is quite the interesting piece Ryan. I can't say it is one of my personal favorites of yours but it is up there on the list. Excellent metaphor you have used as well. Not so sure it is one I would have thought of to attempt. Nicely done! Thank you for entering and good luck!
Blessings
Bel
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thanks Bel. I guess it might not be my best.
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Very nice. You really kept the metaphor up through the whole poem Ryan. I loved that.
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This was a great piece. The imagery was amazing - I could see everything happening, and feel the emotions with it. Great job on winning the gold; you most definitely deserved it
Jeanette*~ -
"until ruination repeats"
This poem on a whole has a lot of imagery. It felt alive and jeez, I can't describe this anymore.
Like, it shows my own situation, well - in the past - with my ex .. and I don't know. All the arguments, pleading, trying to get him back and what not. I'm just tired of it all, so I stopped. But since I stopped, I've turned numb and it just hurts even more. And, till today, when I see him passing by or I have to go by him or anything - I still feel something stirring up inside me. It's really dissappointing to see how much it doesn't bother him.
Sorry about that - don't know how my emotions got out.
All the best in the contest
NeveR ♥
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Amazing metaphor. Good job.
Luv,
Candy
Contest Holder
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Great metaphor. Congrats on your gold trophy!
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Great portrayal! Loved your phrasing:"fishing for happiness without the worms", "clawed quarrel and snapped twig nest", "hope hops", and the brilliant "they plucked each other's feathers and cooked each other's soul in unison", "guilt trips at the same airway". So many beautiful expressions!
Just a delight to read!
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Thank-you very much, glad you enjoyed my poem & its wording
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Amazing the poem those jays inspired. It's very sad, and yet so well written. Thanks so much for entering this beautiful poem.
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Wow.. thanks so much again
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Ryan, you're still amazing. I love this and I'm shocked. Normally, I don't "do" lengthy poems, but damn!
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Thank-you so much
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Would have been neat to see this display you write about in your author comments and in the poem - liked the flow and the action you describe so metaphorically here.
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& end -- didn't flow good with me. Besides that
I absolutely love the metaphor, it is stellar. This poem was amazing. Best of luck in the contest. -
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Thanks so much, I was hoping you'd like it
Will work on that part.
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you know it is funny how you can come up with this, i like that about your poems, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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I absolutely EFFING LOVE THIS!
OMFG
It's like...such a good freaking poem!
I love the subject matter.
I definitely couldn't do it.
You are brilliant.
Bwahahahahahahaha.
*cling*
I WANT SOME BRILLIANCE!
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Danielle of course you could do better
& ahhh I'm soo glad you liked
I value your opinion
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AWH!
That's so sweet.
Your opinion is hawt too.
And psh for the better
Shite -
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don't you "psh" at me,
I'm not afraind to slap you silly,
remember?
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Huh? Just a reservation I assume?
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sure is
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you ARE the brilliant !!!!! battle over
you got me!!!!! too funny..... wow.. i needed a good laugh.... i can't give even applause for this one...
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