The boy with no name
Who owns nothing but shame
He can't escape his pain
That drives him insane
Looking deep into his past
Are memories that didn't last
He tries to make some sense
Of a life that has been dense
But he died in his life draining endeavor
However his memory will go on forever
Author notes
Prompt: The Boy With No Name
This is a W.I.P.(work in progress)
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Yes, This is a brilliant work.The Boy is very universal and the way you share the pain is also very unique.I can see a great heart in you.Keep up the good job.
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It was short..but BRILLIANT!
I loved this. Loved the rhymes
Amazing piece.
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What a short but sad piece here.
I can't wait to read the rest of it.
I love the rhyme and thought that you
put into this one. Well done!
Jeremy0826 -
Great job with the prompt. Great rhyming technique.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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good! i like this a lot
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I'm glad to see your author notes refer to this as a work in progress because it does have a lot of potential. I hope your request for constructive critique is an actual request because that is what I am about to leave.
When writing in rhyme, and especially in couplets you should always pay particular attention to meter or syllable count. In this write you start off with 5 syllables in line one making a quick read to the end of the line and that sets the pace of the read. However by the time we get to the end of the poem at the last line you are at a hefty 13 syllables which drags the line out quite a bit slowing down the pace which creates what appears to be a stall factor.
What you want with couplets is for all the lines to have pretty much the same amount of syllables per line, a varience of one syllable if the lines are over 9 or 10
syllables long usually will not do much damage, but when you have only 5 syllables
you should stick to the same amount all the way through to keep a good rhythm going.
Another thing that I noticed is an over use of words. When you write try to use as few words as possible to say what you need to say. Once you write what you wish to write, go back and look at it and say to yourself... what words can I remove and allow it to still say what I wish it to say without harming its integrity.
For example, look at these lines as you have them, then look at them will unneeded words removed... the lines still say the same things, but have fewere words doing it:
Your version:
But he died in his life draining endeavor
However his memory will go on forever
revised:
He died in life's draining endeavor
But his memory goes on forever
All in all, you have a great foundation here for a powerful poem. A boy who can't remember who he was, yet one who others remember... that is pretty profound and will make people think when it comes down to it.
If you can straighten your meter out here to make this a more stable flow you will have a great read. Your rhyme is good, you need only work on your rhythm.
I like the way you think, this is a unique approach to a poem, most people would have just wrote about someone who couldn't remember who they were and not thought to add that others remember him, so bravo to you on that.
Am heading to read more of your writes.
Suzi
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well done. it was a powerful piece
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This piece was very powerful. It brings sympathy for the boy. And the back ground and font color add to the piece . thanks for sharing, keep penning .
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I loved the first stanza. Also loved the rhymes & fluency up until the last stanza; defiantly feel this needs loads of work and remodeling. I also thought the other stanzas were a little cliche. But there is some excellent, untouchable emotion in this poem. Nice work and thanks for the entry.
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