Up above the unknown place
Laying with the dreams I chase
I think about her as I sleep
And promises she tries to keep
A promise that she'll never fall
Through the floor or through the wall
A promise that she'll never face
The depths below in the unknown place
A darkened hand may drag her down
And underneath the earth, she'll drown
As I am forced to stay a while
With pieces of my shattered smile
Up above the unknown place
Dying without her embrace
I fear that she must pay the price
As stinging chills come on like ice
She made a promise she can't keep
Nature lets the death hand creep
Not much time 'til she must face
The depths below in the unknown place
Author notes
July 18, 2007... "The Unknown Place" refers to where ever the hell we go after we die... My girlfriend has some bad habits... she smokes all the time, she's done drugs, she forgets to eat, and she's just not all that healthy. It scares me to death. My worst fear is my girlfriend dying early...
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username: AutumnsFlame97
A contest entry
- You kno you wanna! by lexie like woah featuring icantcmylifefrmhere by lexie like woah.
588 points, ended August 2, 2007, 30 entries
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600 points, ended July 26, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show Me What You Got!!! by Debbie Hansman.
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499 points, ended August 1, 2007, 20 entries
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425 points, ended August 8, 2007, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Pen me a Tragedy~ by Menace.
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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wow this is deep
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Nice
I like the style and it was a good read. I hope you get through to your girlfriend, its nice she has someone to look out for her. Good luck!
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I don't know if your girlfriend's situation could be considered your tragedy. Although it sounds like you have a little necrophobia- fear of people dying or things related to death. Maybe just a smidge. Now that is a tragedy. It's all in the interpretation.
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Expressive
The rhyme and pace is good, this flows well. Your sincere concern and pain show through with the ring of truth. Smoking kills slowly (yes, I smoke) but drugs are an urgent problem. I hope you have told her how you feel with the love you show in this poem. Best wishes. -
"Through the floor or through the wall" - how does one fall through a wall? This sounds like a forced rhyme.
"Not much time 'till she must face" - "'till" would be "'til". One 'l" shortened from "until". Or you could just write "till" - no single apostrophe.
The rhyming could be worked on. I suggest syllable count which would give it cadence.
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This poem makes me sad. I love it. I really like the way the poem plays with your emotions. I think you've done a great job on this. Thank you for entering in my contest. Good luck!
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So very touching...thanks for your entry!!!
Love~
Az
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Aww. It's so sweet how much you care. Your flow was pretty good and i hope everything turns for the better. Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest.
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Such a write to a friends.....I can see how much you care.
I do hope things change for your friend...I can sure see alot of love you have placed in this write of hope.
Great Job!
Thank you for entering and Good Luck!
debbie
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You are such a loving person to care so much for this beautiful soul ... I too smoke, and know that my time here on earth is short ... but you put into words here ... something a lot of ppl would die to say ... you have penned a very beautiful piece ... and as sad as it may be ... it makes it all the more beautiful ... you yourself ... have a wonderful soul to care so much for someone ... to fear THEIR death ... instead of your own ... very well done ... and may god bless the both of you ... Much Luv
Sparkeh
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WOW!
Amazing. I love it, I love it, I love it.
Keep up the awesome writing.
<3BD9
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if you are so scared for your girlfriend, i think you should tell her how you feel and if she gets mad at you then blame me.. just dont bring it up again unless she really starts getting sick, because then she might need help..
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this is a great write and your authors notes really help explain the poem. best of luck in my contest, lexie
. Rewarded 4
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Heartwrenching
It is sad when someone you care about has such self-destructive behaviors. They often believe nothing bad will happen to them ... until it does. I understand your fear for her well-being, but ultimately she has to make some decisions about the direction she is heading. You can give her advice and support, but in the end, she is the architect of her own life's choices. YOUR choice is whether to walk beside her ... or take a different path. I wish you well. Best of luck in the contest.
. Rewarded 8
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sad story
But this story is repeated many, many times as ones feel they are invincible and nothing will happen to them. Our health is our most prized possession, and needs to cared far, or like an auto, it will break down and stop running. One should never wait until its too late, for then the end is that place under ground, hell if you will, but its our common grave, and waiting hopefully for a resurrection.f
. Rewarded 8
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I like this alot... i hope your girlfriend gets better. great job... very very awesomeness. WoNdeRfuLly DonE......Heather
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