It didn't take an army to convince her,
that her world as she knew it had came to a screaching halt.
That nothing would ever be the same again.
That she had no choice, but to accept this awfull fate.
She never even imagined that something like this could ever happen to her.
Someone she knew maybe, but never to her.
She felt as though her heart had been ripped out.
She sank into a numbness that should have never been.
She longed to have back the very precious son that she had lost.
At the same time she would never wish this terrible world on him again.
She knew deep down inside he was better off than she was.
She knew he had worked harder in his 18 years of life,
than a lot of grown men she knew.
That he would work for free a lot of the time,
to help men that had a family.
To help them be able to pay their rent and bills.
When she would ask him why he didn't accept the pay.
He would say Momma they have to pay bills and I don't.
She sometimes felt as though they were taking advantage of him.
He reassured her that they tried to pay him,
but he refused to take the money.
She struggled so hard to deal with the grief.
She did everything in memory of him and helped other grieving mothers.
All the while thinking hey I am handling this pretty good.
This went on for a little over 3 years,
then one day she realized that she was not handling it all that well.
That she was just making herself feel better,
when she would help the others.
She never allowed anyone to know about her true pain
and how much she was hurting inside.
She kept in her secret hiding place,
a place so deep inside herslf.
That no one could even begin to reach her.
She finally allowed someone to reach her and she felt a huge relief.
She begin to allow herself to feel loved,
cared about,proud,human,sad,pain,happy
and so many more emotions and feelings.
She is ready to learn to live again.
All of the guilt of allowing herself to feel anything,
since he had been gone was starting to fade away.
A little bit at a time, the numbness was leaving.
She was over whelmed with a huge mixture of emotions all at once.
She still misses him very much and she will always love him,
but now she has to allow herself to live.
To find new things to do with her life, she has to become a new person.
Not by choice, but because this is the hand she has been dealt.
She has to accept it because this change in her life will never go away.
She still has good days and bad.
The difference now is that she allows herself to feel both
the good and the bad.
She allows herself to live.
she finds it easier to share her joys and her pain with others.
Others say that she is an angel,
but she says she is only human just like them.
When she loves, she loves with all of her heart,
when she gives she gives it her all.
When she makes a friend they are her friend for life.
Everyone says they admire her for her strength.
She knows it is not strength at all that makes her
be able to do the things she does or
live through all she has had to endure.
It is the fact that she has learned to accept the things that
she does not have control over or the power to change.
Other wise she would have committed suicide a long time ago.
She still struggles every day to deal with this life
and yes with each passing day.
she does get a little stronger
and a little braver to face the world again.
She is a loving mother,wife,grandmother,sister,daughter and friend.
She is one amazing lady full of enough love to share with the world.
She feeds off of caring for others who are in need.
She is beautiful from the inside out,
just meet her and you will see.
Her story is a never ending story!
Author notes
This is a short story about myself and my life since losing my 18 year old son back in august of 2003!
Ap Mom
Ap Aunt
My real name is Ellan,I live in Texas and I am 43 years old and I have many AP Daughters that I love very much and I try to be there when they need me!
TexasMomma
(LIFE)
A contest entry
- Expanding AP Family (Resumes Requested) by Poetry and I Inc.
700 points, ended July 24, 2007, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Want More Family (prewrites allowed) by SoftlyScreaming.
525 points, ended July 20, 2007, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ Blackend Love ♥ by stop a bullet.
385 points, ended August 5, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Compassionates Are A Dying Breed. by Poetryintheblood.
450 points, ended September 30, 2007, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I am Passionate About... by Living-Out-Loud.
520 points, ended October 16, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TELL ME WHO YOU ARE by Whispering Wind.
700 points, ended December 11, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - let me hear your story by never-2-B-loved.
311 points, ended December 15, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell me about you by pinkstardust13.
525 points, ended December 28, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LIFE by marciakay81.
300 points, ended January 4, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A life to fly so high by NeverRegret.
400 points, ended December 3, 2008, 25 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
-
All part....
of life's rich patch-work. I hope that writing has itself proved helpful.
There were a couple of spelling errors, but it seems churlish to correct when the subject-matter is so dense.
-
wow this really touched me great job good luck
-
That is such a deep revealing of your inner self. All the churning inside, the hurt, the numbness, the screaming pain, each emotion allowed out and slowly allowing other emotions to return. Love for your other kids, love for the grandchildren, enjoying the ordinary things in life again all in the journey presented here in this wonderful write. Very well done.
-
Ellan,its good to know you through these poems about yourself. I admire your courage and strength.It is why we have this site to express our feelings. God Bless You.
-
Thanks for sharing your story! Thanks for entering the contest!
-
It is so good to know you
The way you have handled your life is an inspiration to me. I admire you.
-------------
-
What a story about yourself. You gave me some ideas to consider. Very touching and moving as I read it. Thanks again Ellan.
-
I'm speechless
that's kinda like what I'm going through
-
I am not a cry kind of a person but your poetry is so striking, filled with so much care,so much rare in our days honesty, so much grief and.. so much expression. i think i will paint today all you made me feel, and to tell you the truth it is rare for someone to make me feel this way, i am shocked, and honored. thank you so much.keep your head up high. -elena
-
thank you so much for your entry. the loss of a child is ironic in itself. this is very inspirational. i feel very privileged that you shared your story with me. thank you.
-
that is very sad. i am sorry to hear about your loss.
-
I am sitting here with tears flowing down my cheeks...Thank you so much for sharing your life with me...I am honored to meet you
-
touchingly real
Thank you for sharing this and recommending it for me. You and I are sisters in a family no one should ever have to be part of - the family of those with children lost. Your words show the power of healing that comes from allowing love back into our lives. I will get there one day.Thank you. -
So sad yet hopeful as well around the end. good luck -paint
-
Thank you for your most beautiful and heartfelt story, Josephine
-
I cried all the way thru this , not only for your loss but to know my own mom may someday feel this same loss. Thank you for sharing this with me, I am forwarding link to my mom
-
a tragic write for the most part. very saddening. the end holds the hope and the character experiences like this bring. well written. you told the story so well. you go!
-
This was such a beautiful and poignant story, but there were so many grammatical mistakes (mostly run-on sentences) that the flow of the piece was interrupted for me. It is a pity that you neglected these finer details in your writing, especially since your word choice was so wonderful and packed with emotion. Your story was very touching, and my heart goes out to you. Sometimes it's harder to ask for help than to accept it, but (as your story shows) it's important to open up. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thanks for being in my contest, and good luck. -
Mmmk. Now that my rules have been followed i will comment.. thank you very much for entering this piece.. it is such a painful thing to go through.. (ovbiously i have not lost a son, but someone very very close to me).. I am very sorry for your loss.. you expressed all that you were feeling so well in this poem.. such a great piece of writing.. Thanks for entering and best of luck.
}{aley -
This is a really touching piece. and i'm very sorry for your loss.. but... I was just reading through everything.. and I realized you didn't read my rules.. fix it up and re-enter if you want.. thank you
}{aley -
wow... this really gave who you were... i didnt like that it was written ina paragraph, but this really isnt a poetry contest, its for family.. and you made me want to be in your family.. a lot of stuff is going on right now in my life, and id really like you to be a part of my family because i know you will be the better part, and help.. thanks for your entry
-
great stuff
this was a truely touching piece of art, good luck in the copmpition,
-
this is amazing--it brought me to tears
i'm so glad you wrote this and entered it in my constest....
great write
good luck
-
Wow! Indeed, I'm sorry for your loss and wish you the best in your emotional healing. I cannot relate to such a painful thing, however, my heart goes out to anyone who should suffer such a fate. Thank you kindly for your heartfelt entry. Good luck in the contest!
-Inc."
-
be your self is what this write says to me...well expressed...and always sad when losing a child...a nice laid out story...
thank you for sharing it with us your viewers and of course me too as well... -
hey dear friend!!!
its not just a story to applaud, i guess..
Its your very self..its tormoils and its tribulations.. whats most tremendous is your courage..
You are amazing...
The spirit in me salutes you..
May god Bless you!!!
-
True Beauty Radiates, superficial but aweights.
The unimagined
Reality pleases
Rubber memories
Rubber soul
Worn papyrus
Retains hieroglyphs
Nile waters.
************
A story well related of the truth of the author's soul.
One can but honour such on the whole, and bethink of
One's self, whether one deserves health, wealth and
length of days, as the Eight Elder Deities in a row Row their boat merrily up and down the stream.
I applaud twice, for the build up of understanding and empathy induced by what is a short but potent read.
Master Anarchy.
-
Aww you are a very strong women, I don't know if i could ever deal with such a thing and I hope I never have to find out. Great story, and may god bless you all the days of your life. You are truely amazeing.
-
I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. Thank you for sharing, and I sincerely pray you will be ok.
whisper
-
Powerful
Wow,this is so powerful and full of emotion..you just keep your head up and God Bless...Hazel
Adding your comment:
1 - 30 of 30
