I live on this bridge of rhythmic
pulsations,
dissension building between
the major
and minor chords.
My heartstrings are yearning
for your finger,
a featherdust brush of heartrending harmony.
You are musically inclined,
adept at tuning me until all the notes
that comprise me flow
in perfect time
to the strumming of your fingertips,
And I am no longer torn between
major and minor chords,
you have bridged my differences.
Author notes
I'm 14 years old and need help on how I can improve this and other poems, so critiques appreciated a lot!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Not musical poetry
The title of the poem promises much, the first two lines have a powerful rhythm, and use unusual words interestingly then
SPLAT
You start again, the third stanza, again has an interesting beat and seems to be leading somewhere, but it isn't. To me it reads like 6 parts of poems all about music, but not part of the same poem, and without the music that could have been. -
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any idea how I can make it better???
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For me poems work out loud. Try reading it that way, find the parts that work best to your ear and go with the flow. Changing stream in mid poem can work well but it is a trick to be used rarely and decisively, writing about a battle you would change tempo when a hero died, or in a love poem after the first kiss. Here you seemed to change because you had nothing more to say in the original voice.
You don't have to believe me of course, many people here love this sort of "streams of conciousness" writing but it isn't for me.
I started to love poetry as the result of a mad English teacher reading Edward Edward by Henry Morley (you can find him on project Gutenberg or just this poem here on my website http://www.nicewaistcoat.com/not-by-me/edward-edward/) Mr MacAuliffe finished the poem screaming and throwing his desk chair through the glass panel on a door, I defy anyone not to like a poem they hear that way at age 11!
But even if that's not your sort of poem, try to hear the poem as you write and make it fit with how you want a poem to sound, and adjust your writing to suit the topic, This is a poem about musical talent, what is your musical cup of tea? Can you here Beethoven, Iron Maiden or The Spice Girls in your poem? If Stockhausen is where you are at then "gawd 'elp yer" but your poem matches it.
Your first stanza starts a stirring strong rhythm, it made me want to read on. I should have to rhyme it too, but I appear to be in a minority here.
All the best, at 14 you have a long time to get it right.
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your writings are fine just as they are, all you can do is open up what you have inside, and write like it is your last sentence. live in that write. great poem.
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thank ya so much for this comment and the other one!
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wonderful poem.
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