It ever so slowly creeps into your mind,
a dirty great slug to drown you in slime.
You laze and enjoy the freedom you feel,
doing nothing at all, just having your fill.
With junk on TV to make your brain numb,
you block out the thoughts of jobs to be done.
You use justified words to applaud this decline,
Idly ignoring the passing of time.
And while, in your dip, you continue to sit,
the clocks even rhythm continues to tick.
Blissfully ignoring the walls closing in,
as the minutes you've left continue to slim.
You're being buried beneath each wasted chance.
If only, just once, you could get off your ass.
A contest entry
- Pre-Write Appreciation Day 2007 by Kimojuno.
1000 points, ended September 14, 2007, 102 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Real Poetry Contest by Oedhel.
525 points, ended October 20, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Wonderful. I loved the rhythm and rhyme in it however you lost it with the last two lines and it slightly threw me off. But overall a wonderful piece. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing =]
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Results...
Originality: 4/4 Very original.
Rhythm: 3/4 It loses the rhythm and picks it back up.
Wording: 4/4 Great wording.
Ease of Reading: 4/4 Reads very well.
Final Score: 15/16 Very nice overall.
For a more extensive critique contact me after the close of the contest.
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'Your being buried beneath each wasted chance.' <-- You're? - if so 'you are' might work better for the rhyme.
I loved how this rhymed and flowed perfectly and has a great message and yes it is true you shouldn't sit on your ass like a slug, you need to move and do things, and not act like nothing exists past four walls.
Perfectly done; I love it!
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hahah thats great. nice style, and it flowed perfectly
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as the minutes you've left continue to slim.. i like this..nvr thought of time getting slim... beautifully done. its true...if only i could get off my ass.. i like the fact tht u used sloth to compare with our lazy habits...it really fits the description of slow, numbess, and laziness. effective write.
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