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Night

Sky

black trying to grasp beads of white
cooling the earth
with darkness
shutting out all light, except the

Moon

float across the sky
slipping like a breeze
through the clouds
a blind, milk-white eye over the

Trees

whispering to night air
breathing in the cold
and letting out the pine scent
dangling silver leaves of hair through the

Breeze

smells of grass and moonlight
touching on the black lake water
that's mirroring the sky
the breeze dances in the night, until the

Sunrise

that ends the night

A contest entry

What do you think?

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Comments

  • untamed melody
    July 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I loved how you had the ending word to one stanza be the beginning to another. Its a really powerful peice that you can almost relate to any situation your in at any given moment. Thats really hard for someone to capture in their writing. Amazing peice.

    Thank you for the comment on my poem. I had written that peice a while ago, before I found out that I was Clinically depressed. I've been on medicine ever since, but recently decided to stop taking it. I think I might have been wrong in that decision. I dont really talk to people about it that much I tend to shut them out, my current boyfriend isn't aware of the situation, and I think it might be about time for me to make him aware. Thanks again.


  • Riftkin gold member
    July 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this was great, I love how you ended each group with a word to start the next group.


  • SeaWithYourHeart gold member
    July 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love your format it made me stall deliberately on certain words that needed to be emohasised and it is well written a great free verse.
    I loved it all it fit so well.

    "Sky

    black trying to grasp the beads of white
    cooling the earth
    with darkness
    shutting out all light, except the

    Moon"

    the image that struck me hard was the beads of white so mysterious and wow eyecatching the opposite you use are increadable.
    i like the way the single words link with the verese above and below them. bvery creative. well done,

    "Breeze

    smells of grass and moonlight"

    this is beautiful love the sesnse mixed here smelling the breaze the reminders of grass and moonlight and odd comparison but so original great job.

    "touching on the black lake water
    that's mirroring the sky
    the breeze dances in the night, until the

    Sunrise

    that ends the night
    I like the way you brought it all back at the end to raise the sun and extinguish the mysterious dark lovely well done and good luck in my contest