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Perfect Moments (terza rima #1)

 

i

Annandale Park

Water wimples yellow setting light;
fir trees play a subtle evening wind;
a park bench overlooks the lower lake;
slender fingers fill with tender warmth
the soft foundation of your lover's thought,
as ripples lap the shore with tiny waves.


ii

Lake Mendocino

Bright green baby oak leaves bud and thrive,
all aflutter in the cool spring breeze;
blue-white skies sift up through oaken throngs
to reach the hilltop where your silent breath
meditates on evanescent forms,
immersed in airs that shimmer through the brush.


iii

Marin Headlands

Blue-green swells and breakers rise and fall
among chasmatic rocks, below tall slopes,
crashing spray up furrowed canyon folds;
a solitary cypress stands aslant
grasses greened by ever present mists,
where quietly you watch the ocean slide.


iv

Orr Springs Road

An asphalt shadow turns away to melt
into a redwood valley, masked from sight;
a weave of shadows glance the crescent moon,
firmly rooted in the mountainside;
you offer light into meandrous bark,
and oak leaves all around lift up a sigh.


v

Harbin Hot Springs

Fig leaves shift and scatter midday beams
across a pool of water, warm with prayer;
mantras, delicate as steam, imbue
the atmosphere with silence, pure and primal;
floating like a leaf down gentle streams,
you gaze on stillness deep within your presence.


vi

Montgomery Woods

Random bits of sunlight drift astray,
sifting through the air as if through water;
massive columns spiral straight and strong,
flush against the skies; their deep green whispers
drizzle back to settle soft as dew,
where, swayed with awe, you watch the treetops waver.


vii

Usal Beach

Redwood sculptures dance into the dusk,
graceful motions poised along the ridge top;
the rhythmic roll of waves resound and dim,
a heartbeat pulsing far through leafy rafters;
within a fairy ring you stand, eyes closed,
immersed in sounds that smooth the mind of ripples.


viii

Reflection

Each moment knew the realm of dreams as clearly
as old Tibetan bells know stone enclosures.

 

 

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Comments

1 - 24 of 24
  • This is gorgeous! Your use of unique descriptive words help to give it a fresh feeling .. I especially liked "Wimpled Water" and "Bright green baby oak leaves" .. and more, but I don't just want to quote your whole poem! Well done!

    • Zahhar gold member
      July 23
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! Yes I had fun with this poem, something I hope to be doing again one day soon--having fun with my poems. "Wimpled water" is a phrase I've come across in classical poetry, so it's not quite mine. The oak leaves phrase I think might be entirely mine, however. I've always had a special awareness of oaks.
  • bow softly, immersed, strength and power these places magically burst to light within the mind and heart, a pleasure indeed upon this humble evening of mine, pen on dear poet,

    w chai and cookies
    -jas

    . Rewarded 4


    • Zahhar gold member
      July 6
      Edit | Reply
      Glad you had such a strong positive experience with this poem. It was my hope to be able to evoke such responses with at least some readers with this poem. I love playing with these experimental pieces.

  • macandrew
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    Your poem paints a wonderfully beautiful picture. Sadly I am a form geek and was disappointed in not finding a traditional terza rima. That is just me though.

    A good poem.
    John

    • Zahhar gold member
      June 25
      Edit | Reply
      Well, after writing 125 ghazals true to form, I've been prone to deviate from strict form a bit.

      Okay, let's see what I did here....

      Ah yes: End-line alliteration. Follow the scheme again, pay attention to the final accented syllables of the terza rima scheme. You'll find that they alliterate. So it's still a terza rima, but a variant thereof.

  • xoPJ
    May 26
    Edit | Reply
    Your travel route has taken me on a pleasant journey. Good work. Many wonderful images. (I didn't worry a bit about the rhyme scheme~)

    . Rewarded 4


  • melphleg gold member
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    I don't understand. I thought a Terza Rima followed this rhyme scheme a-b-a, b-c-b, c-d-c, d-e-d. I don't see that in this piece. That aside, you a paint wonderful vignettes with your words. I especially like the Marin Headlands stanza.

    . Rewarded 4


    • Zahhar gold member
      February 14
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Mel,

      Ah yes. The rhyme pattern. There is an end-line pattern, and it does follow the aba,bcb,cdc,... pattern, but it's not rhyme. Take a closer look and hopefully you'll be intrigued.

      Appreciated your thoughts.
  • Brandon Ashley
    February 11

    Edit | Reply
    hey i thought this was really good...i have to go to school in a little so i can't read the rest now but i'll definately come back to them.

    . Rewarded 4


  • grace elizabeth silver member
    September 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    i really enjoy this poem

    iv is my favorite i love the imagery.
    and viii is amazing all so. the feeling i get well reading these poems is feelings of tranquility, stillness, and security.

  • Touchof1der Moderators member
    September 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    What a great piece to sink one's mind into. This shrouds me in sweet tranquilty. Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.
    ♥ Touchof1der

  • Nam
    September 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    My favorite out of them all would be the fifth one. The least favorite would be the sixth, and mainly because of the form. The rest of the piece seemed to keep to a form, yet that one seemed to be off, a bit. Mainly in the visual and sense of repetition.

    Could be me.

    Overall: a good piece.


  • azure85 gold member
    September 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very lovely set of terza rimas, your style and word patterns are nicely done. The themes are very reflective of peaceful thoughts and places, and I really enjoyed reading them.

    . Rewarded 4

  • JoyToy
    August 24, 2007
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    AWSOME

    Dude..I really felt the emotions in what you wrote..read some of mine. Thank you.

  • ecrivain01 silver member
    August 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Marvelous.

    This is a very calming write. I've been upset for some time but this actually helped me feel calm for a whole ten minutes or so.

    Windhover3. What he said. Yeah.

    Great write. I wish to God you wrote sonnets.

  • Talloaks silver member
    August 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    great

    Great imagery in this write I could see it as I read it. I like this very much "Each moment knew the realm of dreams as clearly" Easy flowing too.

    . Rewarded 4


  • windhover3
    July 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Terza alliterata... I think that aspect works well.

    You've set yourself a very difficult task by combining these unique moments within a dramatic form. While I could probably come up with minor quibbles within one or two episodes ("swayed" seems unnecesary and breaks the pattern of starting lines with stress-unstress), I think each episode works well... capturing detail as well as a quiet, mystical connectiveness. The culminating relection works especially well to summarize (though should it be viii?). It conveys a sense of awareness centered in place which pulls together the theme.

    My only real difficulty with the piece, though, is a lack of progression. I suppose this would be counter to the theme, but as these are numbered moments, as the form progresses in a pattern, maybe even as an issue of scrolling down the page, I anticipate a movement. Maybe I'm simply spoiled by the internet from taking it in as a whole, but I also think the completeness of _each_ moment gravitates against the contemplation of the moments together...

    The writing is quite good. Wimple as a verb works surprisingly well (it really brought Hopkins to mind for me). The imagery is all clear, the sense of trees and water come through strongly, with sights and sound. Each piece stands up well.

    One other thing I'll mention: "your lover's thought" struck me as "the thought held by your lover" instead of "your thought as a lover", and this was objectionable given the introspective situational mood. I think I misread, but if so inclined you might consider whether on some reads you have the same ambiguity.

    You've done a great job. I'm not sure I was quite up to the effort of sustaining a sense of oneness through 7 discreet instances, but I appreciate the fact that you are so ambitious.

    Brian

    . Rewarded 8

  • Kay Laon Anders
    July 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wimples...lol

    I don't think I have ever seen that word....hmmm...anyways


    Orr Springs Road

    I picture some lonely person standing in a parking lot glancing at what was paradise and in some ways still are...it reminded me of one of my favorite songs...I think it is "paved paradise"...might be wrong about that...this is my favorite...it gave me comfort about my canopy...like even though they took my trees it is still full of wonderful memories throughout my childhood and no one but God can take those from me...

    Next fav would have to be Annandale Park

    I guess because it has passion in it...you know I am a sucker for passionate writing....I could feel some gushing...(beautiful gushing by the way)...not because you used words like "lover" but the very way the words hit the page has a gush like feeling..."as ripples lap the shore with tiny waves..."...gee wiz...makes me want to gush just typing it out..lol

    3rd place I give to Lake Mendocino..

    If I could truly know you Erin I am thinking I would like you as a person...like if we were neighbors I would actually wave if you drove by...I don't wave at my neighbors where I live because some think you are wanting to fight so they pull their switch blades..lol
    I guess that is what Mexico streets condition you for...and you know what... if I was throwing one of my midnight parties and you stormed over through the yard yelling curses at todays youth I would actually turn the music down....that is just what I am thinking but then again I could be wrong...I rarely turn the music down for anyone so you could take it as a compliment..lol

    I would like to go here...where ever "here" is I would like to spend an entire day just taking in everything...It is like you are describing the word beautiful....I know the word beautiful is usually used to describe but if beautiful could be described I think it would be this place...this Lake Mendocino...it has such clarity it is like I can see it now....thank you for taking us there...I have always wanted to visit beautiful...



    Reflection...

    do you always take in moments this way or are you just imagining what these moments must have been like for her? she must have been a splendid person to talk with if this is the way she takes in the world... perfect moments...you can't touch it if it was perfect but you are about 2 inches away from touching it ...which is good enough for me...until i get the chance to visit these places for myself and see what i can get out of it...

    "Each moment knew the realm of dreams as clearly
    as old Tibetan bells know stone enclosures."

    My ignorance annoys me...I wish to heaven that I knew what Tibetan bells were at this moment..I don't have the time to research it right now....but I am sure they are beautiful....how does the moment have boundaries when compared to a dream? Are not dreams boundless....when the mind dreams does it ever set boundaries on itself? Mine doesn't...so if we decide that these moments are like dreams that we have had how do they have bounds or are we refering to moments with a particular individual and therefore it would have too many limits to count....when perfect moments are measured by another person are they truly perfect? I am not trying to be confusing but I do wonder...and I pass my wonder on..lol It will be a constant wonderment for me I can already tell....


    The others were attractive but didn't catch my spirit the way the ones I have described did...I am going to rank this one with "cathedral" "beads" and "unfenced"


    *coffe* If life had a taste I am sure it would taste like coffee without any additives...


    Kay Laon




    . Rewarded 8


    • Zahhar gold member
      July 18, 2007

      Edit | Reply

      do you always take in moments this way or are you just imagining what these moments must have been like for her?

      neither. what i've done is attempt to identify the particular time frames (the fifteen minute period spent here, the half hour period spent there, etc) during which she may have had such "perfect moments", and capture the mood and feeling of the environment, and her place within it, at that time. i don't feel i can know what her perfect moments were to her, so i am left to try and capture the circumstances surrounding them, which is something i can come into mental-mnemonic contact with, and from which i can select particulars to use in conveying what seem like the most influencing properties thereof.

      how does the moment have boundaries when compared to a dream? Are not dreams boundless....when the mind dreams does it ever set boundaries on itself?

      i didn't intend to convey a sense of boundary when i wrote the closing couplet, but it's interesting to see how you've interpreted this from the lines. dreams, in my estimation, would have no real boundaries. in fact, we dream even now. there is no point at which the dreaming ceases. the 'boundaries' sensed here would be the boundary between waking and sleeping dream. these 'perfect moments' would have 'touched' the subtle dreaming (the mystical) from the realm of concrete dreaming (the waking). in those moments, the two are combined, without boundary.

      when perfect moments are measured by another person are they truly perfect?

      not mesured, merely reflected upon. i could no more measure her perfect moments than i could measure the depths of space. i'm merely reflecting upon her experience as a deaf and dumb outsider looking in.


      remarkable set of thought processes here. you and your ability to reflect have come a very very long ways. you've surprised me here. i'm very very pleasantly surprised by your words and feelings here.
      • Kay Laon Anders
        July 20, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        I hold back too often I suppose...

        Well you saying you are suprised by me suprises me....I guess instead of my spastic ways controling me like a puppet as usual in my poor little head there were actual thoughts whirling around in there....and Erin I do read as much of your poetry as I can because it does tend to make me think...and I need to think whenever I get the chance..lol

        But rarely does any poem (even my own) touch me inside...

        You are the one poet that seems to accomplish that great feat more often than any other...when someone can write words and make me feel something more than my own words can it says something....does it say anything to me?...no...i never take the time to listen...but it does say something to the poetic part of spirit and it responds with such questions as i asked you...probably confusing again but that is the only way i can explain it...

        I am glad to know that you were not measuring any kind of moment by another person...the moment will always seem to smell like a fart if you do that...now that you say the bounds were waking and dreaming (in the sleep) that comforts me..cause i can understand the phyiscal part of it all....i tend to daydream more than have dreams when i sleep...but i am a dreamer so i guess that makes sense again...lol

        you must have thought I was an ignorant little southerner when you say such things as "very very long ways"
        may I ask how far down in the stupid hole was I to you...eh?....lol

        Kay Laon

        aka

        The sPaZ

  • yourbentangel
    July 17, 2007

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    Lake Mendocino seems to be one of your favs here it seems there is more of a tenderness in your words than that of the others, they are all very well penned it just is obvious that Lake Mendocino sticks out more with your words. Almost as if you put more into the description of it than the others. I have been to almost all of these places and would have to agree to the ones that I have been to

  • IrresistableRain
    July 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    omg this is beautifu
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