she was a lily among the thorns in that old town,
where the dead snake by through corners and
cracks among the living; where, in shops and
tangled gardens, women lean to each other
and whisper, so silently, to comment on
vices and people, past and present.
“calla lily,” i want to call her, she who whispered
about the meaning of art, the sickly passions of
a forgotten love, the awakening of the senses in
the wake of summer. in school and shops, we spoke
of the life we could have had, if only those
mediaeval walls did not surround us.
on nights like this, calla lily, i want to say so much,
but can only find my voice in faint whispers that,
though i wish it not, speak for me, not because
of me. on nights like this, calla lily, i want to
reach for your hand, but you are so far away,
too far from me.
i am a thorn among the lilies in this new town,
where the men and women, in their pressed black
suits, bicker in french over their morning coffee;
where, in cafés and metro stations, women lean
to each other and sigh, so silently, then rise and
nod as if they share the same secret burdens. i
am not yet one of them, calla lily; i hope you
are proud.
in parks and alleys, i think of you when i smoke
and drink my nights away in this bustling city of
men without dreams, people without life. but in
the hush of gwynedd’s winter, when the streets
empty after dusk and the ghosts of living men
hover around the windows of their apartments,
i will find you again.
Author notes
For Meghan, although she will never know. This is for the "unrequited love" option; I had a crush on her, but she never knew... I'll never tell her... and this is so romanticised.
Cristina Delaware.
In a list
A contest entry
- In Search of the Elite (Round 1) by zillion.
375 points, ended July 25, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - aesthetic articulation [prewrites & apply.] by blackday.
2250 points, ended August 24, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Honesty Is Gold Dust by star wars fanatic.
450 points, ended August 8, 2007, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter any silver or bronze winning pre-write!! by freestallion.
450 points, ended September 12, 2007, 36 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes by crystallynnbradford.
565 points, ended September 19, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Show Must Go On Round 1 of 5 by Willowhaunt.
450 points, ended September 28, 2007, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Take time to move me; by bonjourbunnie.
425 points, ended October 6, 2007, 28 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Real Poetry Contest by Oedhel.
525 points, ended October 20, 2007, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options. (for lack of a better title) by Puking Faerie Dust.
900 points, ended December 29, 2007, 24 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism, please!
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
-
Well I commented on this and
must of hit the wrong key and it disappeared I think , lol but this is a really very good write of sentimental depth that is full of emotional honesty revealed very nicely.
Thank you for this entry and good luck in the contest
-
This was very abstract, but very nice. I liked your choice of words for imagery, I could almost picture a town in India or the like with this beautiful woman, I am unsure why I picture India, but anyway this is nice.
-
Great poem it has lots of emotion. My favorite part is:
so silently, then rise and
nod as if they share the same secret burdens.
good luck
De-Throne -
Awesome.
This is magnificent. Although not quite what I'm looking for in this contest. Absolutely beautiful poem though.
-
-
Feel free to remove it if it's not what you're looking for.
-
-
God, this is so beautiful, so sad. I've never met anyone who could take a simple crush and transform it into this.
The repetition fits perfectly, which rarely ever does in a poem. I loved how, earlier in the poem, you mentioned wanting to call her calla lily, then later in the poem, you DO call her calla lily. I can't even explain why I loved that, but I did. (what does it mean, by the way? and the title?
)
I read this over probably fifty times, and I can't find one thing to critique. Damn you! The only thing I could suggest, is the capitalization of the "I"s, but I know it's a personal preference of yours.
Beautiful and perfect; don't change it!
Jeanette*~
P.S. Congrats on all the trophies, this definitely deserves it
-
-
This is a calla lily:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calla_lily
I especially like the white ones, which is why I referred to her as that... pure, unadulterated, hardy, beautiful. The title means "lily among the thorns," which was, I believe, originally used to refer to the Virgin Mary back in the Middle Ages.
-
-
good good
very sweet, its like yur trying anything to please her, very good, thanx for entering -
This is absolutly gorgeous, and it is wonderul. You are very talented and thank you so much for entering, the best of luck to you. And thank you again so much for sharing this poem with me. It is great!! The only one thing that I could possibly criticize about it that you do not capitalize your I's, other than that, this is beautifully written. Very nice!!
-
wow. I really loved this, the story and everything was very deep, and described perfectly. My only critical comment is that you might want to try spacing it differently, or changing a few phrases to make it more rhythmic to read. But other than that, fantastic job, and good luck in the contest!
-
What a story. It almost felt like some old ancient story the way you wrote it. It was epic, but the notes told me this is reality. I like the originality and you really made me understand this girl, you and that old time. You made me see it all. Good job!
-
Results...
Originality: 4/4 Very Original.
Rhythm: 2/4 There a major lack of rhythm in this one.
Wording: 4/4 Great wording, I feel you really got your point across.
Ease of Reading: 4/4 I found that even though it lacks rhythm it still flowed.
Final Score: 14/16 This was a great poem. I think if you worked on rhythm it would have been the best in the contest. If you do decide to work on the rhythm please let me know I would like to see how it turned out; but otherwise, it was a great poem.
For a more extensive critique contact me after the close of the contest.
-
Wow it's an amazing write a story all too poetic... the ending was not unexpected but it's that sweet happy ending we all want... so works for me too! lol... and yes, how the world does love to speak for us... but we can't let it right?! Tell Meghan... it's time she knows of your piece for we've officially reached the www age of connectivity... all d best in <3 and da rest!
-
A poignant piece. I love the imagery and the shivers this poem gave me...I especially love the first scene you depicted, I wish I could live somewhere like that.
Keep Quilling,
Whiskey -
Beautiful. The imagery and the metaphors and similes are stunning, as well as the underlying theme of love. You had me hungry for the next line, striving to hear of "Calla Lily." I hope that your love has been given penance.
I also noticed that this is listed under "Not my usual style," and I believe that you should take more time to write freeverse that drip your heart's longing such as this one. Even something that is formatted with so much intensity would be a wonderful thing. :]
Thank you for this read, and good luck. : -
A very unique piece that I see has won many a trophy but to be honest I didn't really feel that it was what I was looking for in this contest. Although the poem has a lot of depth and profound imagery it just did not grab me the way others have done in this contest. That's not saying there is anything wrong with it, not at all, it's just not something that captured me. Many thanks though for entering it.
-
-
Oh, no, I completely understand. If you'd like to remove it, feel free to do so.
-
-
would have like you better
if you did! What's with the Green poetry comment? Are you
a snob living among the free? Green poetry can be
beautiful, make you a greater writer because you aren't
always looking over your shoulder and editing out all
the prickley feelings, it makes your fingers bleed to
write them, scared to hit the submit button.
Don't get me wrong, I loved this poem, and then I saw
that nasty comment about green writing, and thought
ugh....your words display a beauty, an unfettered,
luscious beauty inside you...and I wonder why you
don't believe it too???????????
Perhaps I misunderstood your comment? After you wrote
that beautiful flawless piece and then to make a swipe
at green poetry? it just seemed tacky.
Congratulations on your trophy! I like your writing
too, will learn from you!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : )))
-
-
I wasn't making a swipe at green poetry, not at all. That was just the first time I sat down to write something and submitted it without looking it over, so I wanted the piece critiqued.
Thank you so much for the review! I'll be sure to check out your work when I'm not so tired.
-
-
Such a unique style! I really enjoyed reading this. congrats on the bronze!
-
Wow. This was such an excellent poem. I loved your writing style. You have a very effective way of writing that draws the reader in, and the imagery was great. Congratulations on your new trophy.
Write on!
~*~SP~*~
-
Well crafted and detailed tale, infused with a resigned sadness.
Good write and congrats on bronze.
-
WONDERFULLY WRITTEN AND CRAFTED POEM!
I LOVED THE LAST LINE......
VIVID DETAILS THROUGHOUT AND SAD ...
I LOVED THIS PEICE!
THANK YOU SO MUC FOR ENTERING!!!!! -
wow....there are no words but wow!!!!
-
This is an absolutely beautiful poem, and I loved it from the first time I read it =] It is so sweet and realistic, and reads like a love letter. I love your nickname, calla lily. The last stanza is quite powerful and a fitting end to this poem.
-
Wow, this is sublime, in fact one of the best I have read today (and I have read over 200) wonderful imagery, it was almost as if I could reach out and touch the things of which you spoke.... I am going to bookmark this one, I do hope you won't mind
Karen -
-
Of course I won't mind.
-
-
I didn't enjoy the begining, but the ending did it for me. That final stanza is GOLD. I love it.
-
This is a quite compelling piece you have penned here. I have to admit I wasn't pulled in right away but it grew to grip me tighter and pull me deeper as it went on. Thank you for entering and good luck!
Blessings
Bel
-
very good! I really enjoyed reading this piece! I loved the last line "i will find you again." so good! Excellent work! Thank you so much for entering! Excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!!
-Steve- -
Very nicely done, such a deep piece. Not for the thin-skinned who aren't into reading between the lines, for sure! Thanks for entering!
-
yeah.
You are definitely going on my favorites now.
My newest Favie Baby.
-
Congrats on the HM you have won with this. This was sweet, and beautiful, thank you for entering, and good luck.
Chelsea
-
This was very sweet. I liked your wording of words as well as he words you used. NIcely done. Good luck in my contest and great last stanza.
-
this is a heart felt poem to the one you care so much for, there is nothing to put it down, as I am sure there are others here that at one time or another has felt that same way
-
Beautiful =]
-
thank you for entering and good luck in the contest with this veyr lovely write
-
This is a very nice write. Thank you for your entry. Goodluck to you.
-
but in
the hush of gwynedd’s winter, when the streets
empty after dusk and the ghosts of living men
hover around the windows of their apartments,
i will find you again.
I don't know about anyone else, but I loved this. It had such a delicious stream of conscious feel to it...the ramblings of a broken-hearted memories, as if one could speak fast enough, it would convey the essense of this longing, this love, and this time...to sink in and let it rise with the heartbeat, the moon and the ghosts of the living men.
Yeah. I've felt this too...
-
I'm sorry I had not commented on this until now, and there's really no excuse since it's in two contests in which I am judging. But I'm glad that you're so open minded as to have some one with such a notorious reputation as myself come and critique it. But I'm happy to do the job.
The thing that I hate, first and foremost, is the welsh. I know that, logically, it fits because she's welsh and all that. But poetry is not written logically, or at least it shouldn't be. The welsh just seemed uncalled for.
But the piece actually wasn't too bad...it had heartache. I have never felt heartache or pain (in that sense) firsthand, so when I can read something and feel as though the writers heartache is my heartache, that's really something.
From this, I gathered images of thin french women; smoking with designer clothes draped over their tiny figures. They're beautiful...but disgusting. I am somewhat repulsed with these images, but I love it.
As for it being green, I would say it is. But I could also call it brown. I was getting both.
You know, I like this piece, for the imagery and the longing. -
certainly light
-
this is great, very abstract, but the colors gave me a head ache!! @.@ other than that, great job, thanks for entering, & best of luck
-
Interesting story. Most enjoyable to read. Good luck in this contest.
-
I too don't know what green poetry is, but this was full of wonderful imagery and emotions. Good luck in the contest
-
Beautiful and so tender. I'm not sure what green poetry is but I loved this. It is different from others I have read. The imagery is wonderfully expressed.
Adding your comment:
1 - 45 of 45
