A whirlwind of thoughts come together
hope and love and fear all coalesce
three dreams
merge into one
of a tempered happiness
and a cautious hope
that this new normal,
a strange optimism
replacing what once was
an ever present pessimism,
lasts long enough to create
a relationship with romance aforethought
from friendship with crushes thrown both ways
to love everlasting
yet my weakening pessimism
bombards me with memories,
of the cat whose life was cut short
by the driver in too big a hurry even to stop
of the romance shattered at last
by my intolerance of her love for another
of she who tossed me out the window
like a spent cigarette, no longer useful.
Yet my newfound optimism
ignores all these protests
that scream at me
this will not last,
this cannot last,
for something this good
is worth fighting the pessimism
and erasing the doubts
so that at last,
this love will last.
Author notes
Much of my poetry has been about love in one form or another and this incorporates my current thoughts on it and brings in memories of previous poems I've written and attempted to incorporate the style of one of my previous poems that I think is now my favorite of all the poems I've written. I was thinking of writing something more abstract than this in an attempt to incorporate all the kinds of poetry I've written, but it'd have come out so abstract that it'd be hollow and generic, so I tried to be both specific and general with this one. The title of this poem pretty much sums up everything I've written poetry on, and I've touched on all four topics in this poem.
A contest entry
- PitBull on a HatBox by NurseChilly.
1800 points, ended August 1, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Like my fellow judge has said... I really like some of the good imagery you've chosen in this piece.. but it is rather heavy laden with cliche still
with some tuning and editing.. i feel that you could have a great piece... .. (this is only my opinion of course)
but many thanks for entering this contest
G.x -
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I'm confused, where is this huge mass of cliche that you see here still? There's one line that I can see that's still a cliche: "to love everlasting" - I was tempted to change that, but as I don't see how I could without destroying the meaning of the poem.
I'll freely admit that's a cliche, and I'd word it differently if I could think of another way to say the same thing without it being a cliche. But in the edited version, I can't see all the other versions that you imply are still there. I changed the two that Mary Cat mentioned, but aside from the one I mentioned in my last paragraph, I really can't see any more.
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while i have no doubt of your sincerity in this piece i see it as being cliche with wording such as undying happiness and eternal hope- it would be nice to see you bring about these themes you write about often and find new ways to say them-
i like the "tossed me out like a spent cigarette" that among other gems inside this piece show me you have a very nice poetic voice
thanks.
m
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I decided on a change that gets rid of the cliches you mentioned and perhaps changes the meaning of the poem slightly, but I think it's a change for the better without destroying the original meaning.
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Hmm, yes, you're right, those lines are rather cliche. I'm trying to think of ways to rephrase that so that it'd get rid of the cliches without destroying the meaning of the poem at the same time. I'm going to try and make this better sometime before this contest closes though.
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