Where now?
Which way do we go?
The path is curved,
it winds like a serpent,
with deadly fangs
that take pleasure
in piercing my flesh.
The venom is strong,
intoxicating,
forgetful
I allow another bite.
Poised for prey
I sit and wait
the final
and deadly
blow
Breathless
with coils wrapped
about me
I exhale
and give in
to his will ....
and wait
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I think if you put "i'll allow another bite" in brackets, and add "but" to it, it will give it more of a detached, accented feel...which I think would work wonderfully with the already-present emotion.
Poised for prey-wonderful alliteration. Mhm.
I love the rigid/detached/acceptence feeling of this.
Like: Here pretty snake, I know you're going to kill me...but please, make it hurt more when you do it.
Is what I get from it.
Which is absolutely gorgeous.
Like you.
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Okay, I tried your suggestions, let me know if I hit the mark or not ... was a bit unsure of the "but" part in brackets, not in brackets ... decided to go with in brackets.
the "please make it hurt" was not my intent or feeling, but by all means go with that if it makes better sense to you ... for me, the waiting is for a mongoose or ferret to rip that nasty serpent to shreds! okay ... it's a dream! thanks!
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incredibly strong ending
a very powerful piece... the symbolism is strong, although difficult to decipher as the metaphor could be for any number of things... I love the way that it builds... climactic!
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