A lost man

Every day is a struggle
Not to rip
Not to shred
Not to tear everything down around me
Cause I have an anger that never ceases...

My anger comes from the fact that I don't believe people when they say that they want me around
Why should they?
What makes me so different?
I feel like the pauper, not the prince
I don't see the inner beauty of me,
just the failures that should have made me eat dirt long ago...

I feel that people lie to me...
Tell me that I'm good, just to keep me around
Around for what?
For use?
For company?
For pleasure?
What do I provide that you can't get from the everyday common man?

Take him,
not me,
I'm not worthy...
I surely don't feel it,
life has blessed me with some interesting gifts,
gifts that I don't understand, fear, and yet don't believe in,
My lack of belief, has led me down to a shell of a life,
Who can bring me that sense of belief back?


I used to have it, but once one person who I held in such favor lied to me,
Nothing has brought me the center of conviction that I used to hold
To realize when people were lying or when they were not,
My sense of conviction is gone, with my innocence,
oh how I want it back, the simple days, where trying to make people smile,
was my singular goal....

All of that seems like a lifetime away,
I hardly recognize myself when I look back on my childhood,
The boy that made everyone laugh with his goofiness, and a easy smile,
has been replaced by a cautious man, that doesn't trust people with an anger that knows no bounds...
Why has this become of me?
Was I fated for this?
The fog has replaced my memories of childhood,
and I am faced with hard challenges, and I don't feel that I will ride through these turbulent waters...
I hate feeling untested, it's something that I abhor,
I should have learned life when I was a teen...
Yet, I took the coward's route and escaped...
Books were my escape route and for that I suffer my cowardice...
For that, I have to learn everything now, and I am not prepared...
The trials that should have gone through my teen years,
I am experiencing them now

I feel tolerated,
yet not loved,
not since I was betrayed,
I am told time and time again,
that I am the only one that can change that,
but saying and doing are two different things,
My mind is a jumble, my emotions volatile...
Nothing makes sense, everything is wrong,
Make me feel, make me believe, make me belong
Make a lost man come home....