pushing ball point
pens through mesh,
the runs are longer
than her lifeline
was ever going to be.
with the whites of
her eyes tinged
scarlet and a
music box dusty
with malnutrition
(and other things),
the record in her
tongue is on repeat,
and the vinyl in
her veins screams
calligraphy.
murder by numbers
Author notes
Friday
In a list
A contest entry
- search by CarCrashHumor.
800 points, ended August 1, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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this is pretty good. I like it. good luck in the contest! Keep up the good work!!!!! feel free to stop by and read some of my stuff.
crimson ♥ -
wowza what a story told here. loved it, creative, beautiful and ugly all in one. what more could you want. well done as always my dear,
Creatress -
some really good images here.. very nicely done
m
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Forgot the clappie.
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That first stanza is a killer.
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it's perfect. great piece. it's got a certain rythm to it
-lys
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yes.
great writing -
Man, everybody loves your poetry, Friday. i get about.. zero comments on mine. and all you do is make awesomeness on paper. and I salute you for that.
Awesome Poem. You had good imagery
"pushing ball point
pens through mesh,
the runs are longer
than her lifeline
was ever going to be."
I Love that. it makes me feel like she self mutulates herself with a pen. and it's like.. wow!
way to go Friday!
-
the record on her
tongue is on repeat,
and the vinyl in
her veins screams
calligraphy.
oh wow.
i loved this.
amazing imagery...
beautifully written.
♥
-
this is amazing =] it all flows so seamlessly. Methinks you have a gift with words.
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hte ball point pen line... is like one from mine! lol great minds think alike... min you, small minds seldom differ hahahaha
it's really good... theres something about it that seems al ittle different to your other piece but it could jsut be me... -
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No I was trying a new style with this one, but I wanted to see if I could do it well before I tried doing anymore.
I didn't notice you had a line about ball point pens!
^_^ We are so twins.
Cool twins to be precise
-
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"with the whites of
her eyes tinged
scarlet and a
music box dusty
with malnutrition
(and other things),"
Babe.
I love your work.
So much,
And I love you,
So much.
Mwah!
xx
-
"with the whites of
her eyes tinged
scarlet and a
music box dusty
with malnutrition
(and other things),
the record on her
tongue is on repeat,
and the vinyl in
her veins screams
calligraphy."
wonderful babes! im like in love with this
xx
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Awesome, awesome, awesome. These images are stellar.
"pushing ball point
pens through mesh"
What I'm not sure about is this part - "the record on her / tongue is on repeat" - you say 'on' twice which is a little distracting. But that's really nit picking.
I LOVE the last line, but I'm not sure the positioning's done it justice.
Perhaps it needs more words around it for padding, or a couple of blank lines after it so it stands out more.
DancingRed.
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I know what you mean...
As for the double up of "on" I was thinking about changing the first one to "in" and leaving the second.
And I definitely agree with adding extra lines after the last line. =] Thanks so much for the help hun.
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