~*~
He fooled her with fireworks
& rabbits carved in chocolate shells,
their bellies empty with
douceur de vivre
she was his wooden horse:
a rocking throne
of cheap timber that dreamt
itself a supernova chariot
but found the night deserted
& the stars turned out.
~*~
Author notes
This isn't my best, I am struggling to write anything, sorry hun.
douceur de vivre ~ the sweetness of life
Quote:
"Built to be lonely
to love the absent
Find me
Free me
from this
corrosive doubt
futile despair
horror in repose
I can fill my space
fill my time
but nothing can fill this void in my heart
The vital need for which I would die"
- Sarah Kane - 4.48 Psychosis
jess-x
In a list
A contest entry
- My mind is in overdrive [Quote inspired contest] by Confetti Fairy-x.
1110 points, ended July 25, 2007, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Not fond of the title. But that's probably more to do with the fact that it's in another language and is lost to me. Even in providing a translation, the initial impact gets lost. At least for me it does.
Beyond that, this poem is solid. Your author notes are rubbish. Always look up. And remember that you're your own worst enemy. Besides, many things are relative.
I happen to like the dual perspective of the write. In the first stanza, I didn't like the last line, but it was due to the same reason as the title. And that's just a personal thing, I imagine.
And also, I fond your poem to be much better crafted than the one you quoted in the author notes. So even on your supposed 'off' days, you can kick it.
On the critical side, your second stanza was very strong. It was original and I liked the way you developed it out, line but line. It's a powerhouse.
But likewise, the first stanza is kind of weak. Especailly in comparison to the second. The first line of the first stanza is very good, but the next three fall. Mostly because chocolate rabbits just are unique enough compared to the second stanza.
But yeah, still good and leagues ahead of what it mostly posted on this site, flaws and all.
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LOL- I had to put the quote in the authors notes
Mmm... I like the title but I see where you're coming from, it does lose the power you have in a title to add a little more to the poem.
I'm not fond of this poem.. it is short because I couldn't think of anything else, but it doesn't feel like it really has a point. I don't know..
The third to sixth lines are weak..
" & rabbits carved in chocolate shells,
their bellies empty with
douceur de vivre"
Maybe because 'their bellies empty with' is not normal speech order and sounds a little forced, i'll try and think ofd someway of putting it better. .
I have to admit i like the french because the language makes the words of it sound more beautiful and therefore more like they are void of something important. But I have never used french before and haven't since. Perhaps it's because i was struggling with words for this one so put them in french instead. . . .lol
Thanks a lot it's brilliant to get a good critique for once. At some point I'll come back to this and expand it into a new poem.. Hope you're well. x
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damn babygirl!
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please re-read rules
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foound it *proud face*
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deep and powerful writing love it as the lines flow with ease and a grandstand imagery appears
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Jess this is beautiful and sad too
your writing is wondrous
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it's... breath-taking. really beautiful and sad and delicate.
i love this
and you.
keep posting.
are you ok??
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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i think this is a beautiful poem for you to return with. it made me kind of sad. the first stanza sounds like he seemed so perfect. i find it so sad the way you started with "he fooled her..." starting right off the bat on a sad note - letting the reader know, this is not a happy poem about fireworks and chocolate rabbits. it was so sad.
then the second stanza just confirmed it. with her being the wooden horse, i took it to mean that he used her... and she was practically lifeless.
this was beautiful Jess.
sad. but beautiful.
Rebecca
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the vital points of a relationship are that both parties have parity of each others needs.. and their is less than more in the stakes of worshipfulness...
if i need
I bleed
if bleed
there must be a wound
if there no wound
or scar to be found
my God, my God
why does it hurt
so bloody much
love to you Jess.. keep well
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the most painful things rarely leave scars..
I hope you are happy and doing good =x
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I cannot say which is or is not your best, but this poem is simply brilliant. There is nothing I would change about it. The images are compact and meaningful. The first verse sort of reminded me of your previous poem posted here. The last two lines hold so much beautifully penned disappointment. I loved it.
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"she was his wooden horse:
a rocking throne
of cheap timber that dreamt
itself a supernova chariot
but found the night deserted
& the stars turned out."
--that stanza, though sad and crushing was very beautiful in language and imagery.
This piece was very smooth and cut perfectly. It exploded in my mind.
xxx
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Jess, really glad to see you posting again and coming along so well.
" insightful of the current no?"
fireworks
& rabbits carved in chocolate shells,
their bellies empty with
douceur de vivre
We must get you into the douceur de vivre realm of your life gal.
Lova ya gal, take care and rest
Dad
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