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Vapour trails

v-a-p-o-u-r--t-r-a-i-l-s
ice crystal plumes
pathways to the sun



reworked


v-a-p-o-u-r--t-r-a-i-l-s
ice crystal plumes
doves preening




A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • azure85 gold member
    July 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I see you have completed a rewrite, and it really is nice. I really like your vapour trails and the way it is laid out, nicely done!


  • Pollycheck
    July 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    v-a-p-o-u-r--t-r-a-i-l-s
    ice crystal plumes
    pathways to the sun



    reworked


    v-a-p-o-u-r--t-r-a-i-l-s
    ice crystal plumes
    doves preening

    I like you rewrite. Good job.


  • dixiebme
    July 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You taught me something today! I've never heard the word preen. I looked it up! Thank you for the write I enjoyed it. Well done.

  • Pollycheck
    July 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering our workshop/contest, "The Shape of the Haiku." Good luck.

    v-a-p-o-u-r--t-r-a-i-l-s
    ice crystal plumes
    pathways to the sun

    This is well written but the haiku does not use any poetic forms and I think you have used a metaphor in there.


  • Haiku-bless-you silver member
    July 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Good concrete display of words giving them a illustrative feeling. Best of luck in the competition.

    Dennis


  • Deindichter
    July 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very cool haiku, I love the step motion your syllable count makes, 3->4->5 good idea, pretty creative, whats that ~ doing at the end of plumes? Either way, well down, nice imagery and good luck in this contest.

1 - 6 of 6