empty pit
filled with hope
letter
from my
ex
Author notes
not sure what to do
A contest entry
- The Shape of Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended July 30, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Thank you for revising your haiku, but it still seems to be statements rather than sense images.
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I think Polly wanted you to show an image or something the senses perceive-the ending is really good.
brisk walk
to the mailbox-
letter from my ex
hmm, not sad enough yet......I am thinking....
opening the mailbox
the shoulders sag~
letter from my ex
Something along these lines, where the disappointment-or happiness if that is what you want to be shown, is seen by the reader.
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Thank you for entering our workshop/contest, "The Shape of the Haiku." Good luck. I like this as a poem, but not as a haiku, it is more statements than it is sense images. Do you think you could get the same thought across with the use of images?
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Thanks.
I will work on it. How about ... ??
empty
pit
hope
s
p
r
i
n
g
s
eternal
a note
from her
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ahah. well down! I love everything you write- I read. great job.
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If any haiku ever written I could relate to, it would surely be this. Well put, and so very true of the apathy and hope you hold at the same time for what might lie beyond that seal. I would open it, curosity killed the cat, not the poet43.
good luck in the contest. -
Ohhhhhhhhh....can feel this...and I understand the spot you are in...well done Haiku, best of luck with the letter....to be continued.....
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