I. girl
chin hits the ground,
i taste red
it's just a metaphor, but
that's all i ever pray for-- so
i drown my brain in fantasy fluid
this room's a hexagon
this room's a nightmare
and i venerate him with sex
while fucking my life away
you-- light-eyed incubus,
so solid in my dreams,
where are you at 1 p.m. when
i want to be a sheath?
II. boy
you're a wraith,
just below sea level,
just at the bottom of the mariana trench,
i will find you.
i've been bleached and photographed
and torn apart, thread by thread;
you have shredded me into a chimera
that i just might be able to be.
let you clamber up my bones
i will become what you ask of me.
III. together
i have found a sanctum
away from all religion,
thank You.
hold me down,
invective words, flat hands,
smooth bodies,
we shall feast.
Author notes
tinuelena
option # 11 (word bank)
11 rules listed
A contest entry
- The Sky is Alive by sweetpearl.
2975 points, ended July 29, 2007, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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hmmmmm...what a piece!!!it deserves each and every clap of hands in here!the structure is amazing,going hand in hand with the intriguing antmosphere induced as the tone stands up for a quite bittersweet attitude!well done(again)!I guess is just one more talented poet on my fav list!
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I had to go look to see if this poem placed in the contest. Indeed, it won Honorable Mention. Congratulations! Well deserved!
I am a Thespian (22 years on stage). I saw this in an arena setting on stage. I also Direct! LOL This could be a wonderful scene from a play.
Loved the imagery throughout! Very gifted writer you are. I love my first impressions. Although, I do believe I have read your poetry in the past. You wield an excellent literary sword poet.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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You always, always amaze me. You seriously are an original mind with a beautiful sense of how to weave words together ... it is as if they are floating on a clothe ling with handmade material clamped swaying in the wind. It's refreshing every time.
You always know how to space things or use the dashes perfectly. So you get that drifted feeling for a moment. The pause: "that's all i ever pray for . . . . . . so". The line "this room's a nightmare" attaches to me, I love it. I think it's dark and works really well with the two next lines in the piece. It's frighteningly exciting. You must have used the word bank well, the choice of words is great. I like how you used solid and dreams in the same sentence because you know most people see dreams as those white clouds with vague vision and the like. Here you get a clear picture.
Not sure what a mariana is ... I thought maybe marina and it was spelt wrong? I don't know, I couldn't find it in the dictionary. Anyway, the rest in the first stanza of "boy" is awesome. The last line "I will find you" seems haunting and promising. Lots of references to monsters or spirits ... it really sets the mood and appeals to me because I like that kind of stuff, heh. The second stanza here opens so well. The words are pretty normal but blended into this it seems like they've barely been used. Lastly, love the image of climbing the bones ... it almost feels like you're struggling to get up just by reading those two lines.
In the last part, it comes together ... mythology and religion and such. That's what I feel. I like how "you" in the third line is the only word capitalized. It's an intriguing ending ... makes me think the two people have become beasts and ready to feed. It will be a thrashing of bones and flesh ... interesting.
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You did no read carefully, dear writer. There are actually less that eleven rules to my contest.
Otherwise, this was quite the read. Had me looking for the words from the beginning as well. Not a hitch in the whole thing. -
You are amazing, I hope you win. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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