A stray bullet; the child is now alone.
Her mother, searching frantically for her.
The world falls into darkness about her.
No electricity, no street lamps; not even a candle.
Groping in the dark, for something that isn't there.
Someone that isn't there.
Something stirs; but not her child.
Someone is there, but not her mother.
Something wraps itself around her, strangling away her breath.
Someone opens their arms before her; warm, and welcoming.
An Angel, walking through the Gates, with the girl's arms around his neck.
A servant of the Pit; with a grip on the mother, dragging her down, deeper and deeper into the Lake of Fire.
A child, playing happily in the Streets of Gold.
A mother, burning eternally, screaming for her little girl.
Author notes
The irony in religion, I think; As we get older, We feel stronger and stronger that God isn't there. As children, we know he is always there.****
***Soldier In A Storm
- Cutters Noncutters and ExCutters group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Prove Yourself to Me (updated rules) by Taxing Minds.
900 points, ended July 27, 2007, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your best prewrite- by PrettyRagDoll.
400 points, ended November 7, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Let me know what's up.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Yeah, the storyline has an interesting ending... separation of mother and child. I like to that it has that slice of life style... in the moment... not telling all but giving us the disoriented facts. Good work.
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Perfectionate
I really am touched by this piece. i agree with you on our outlook as we grow older. It is a wonderful piece. GREAT WORK keep it up!!
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Wow. This is incredible and there really is irony and deception in religion sometimes. But my faith is all I have sometimes. This poem was awesome. Very deep.
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"A child, playing happily in the Streets of Gold.
A mother, burning eternally, screaming for her little girl."
I think those lines are so amazing, and really sums up what you are trying to say. And yeah I guess you're right about the faith thing you wrote in the author notes. At least that is what happened to me as I got older.
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Oh my, this is so heartwrenching! I've yet to decide which I find more provocative, your poem or your notes. I adore how you ended this, a bit of a twist for me as I was thinking it was the child that had been taken my the bullet. You've evoke such gut-wrenching images. Very well done. Now, as far as your notes go, ugh! Sad, I think, and very true. The innocence of youth allows for blind faith where as the jaded perceptions of adulthood do not. I think it's more of a blessing to be able to believe as a mature individual. Light amidst the gloom of chaos.
I really enjoyed this and wish you all the best in this contest. A very worthy entry.
Bella
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Absolutely riveting. thank you for this lovely read!
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This is good. i had to read it a few times before i grasped the concept, but its great.
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Definitely a lot of truth in this poem about faith and how it tends to dwindle with age. Very interesting style, it took me a second to catch on with the switching of points of views from the mother to the child because when it all says 'her' it kinda played with my reading haha. This won't count against you but second to the last line, 5th word in you have 'int' so just take that T out and you'll be great. Thanks for entering a new poem, I have a lot of pre-writes to wade through so this was a breath of fresh air. Also, please put your AP name in the author's notes because I would hate to DQ you.
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Brilliant and dark
This is powerful. Dark and deep this one is. Wonderful writing and imagery here. Darkness just sweeps through this piece. Keep writing, you are very good.
All the best
Wayne
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I'm really sleepy
Did I say thanks? I can't remember right now; I've been awake all night.
By the by, Thanks, Mon Amie.
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I believe there is life after death...and trying to please in His eyes always, although it is not easy as its say...I want to be like that child 'playing happily int the Streets of gold'...
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