a prick of my pin
a slit of your rist
so why not bring a flame to this
the burns will stop the bleeding
im not gunna lie this will hurt
this will be fun 4 me but not 4 you
u have no choice my love
hun its up 2 me
u are mine now
so how shall i torcher thee
do you like the look of this
do you want an outcome of more than sliced wrists
i would love to see your tears fall
i would love to see you cry
but hun itts all to soon
no not yet will i let you die
i will prolong your pain
so do no refrain
it will all be worse
if you do
so lovely how would you like it shalow or strait through
i mean its up to you
tell me what you want i will make it come true
though your freedom is not a gift
i will not give that to u
so now you see you are stuck
now how would u like it my love
Author notes
its something that just came to me idk y my username +the emo prep
A contest entry
- [Baby Tug The String On My Back, Maybe I'll Breathe A Little Longer.] by SarahEatsAirplane.
343 points, ended August 21, 2007, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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"a slit of your rist" -- wrist.
"so why not bring a flame to this" -- add a question mark at the end.
"im not gunna lie this will hurt" -- I'm; going to/gonna (or leave it as "gunna," depending on whatever dialect of English you speak); semicolon after "lie."
"this will be fun 4 me but not 4 you" -- for; comma after "me"; for.
"u have no choice my love" -- you; comma after "choice."
"hun its up 2 me" -- comma after "hun"; it's; to.
"u are mine now" -- you.
"so how shall i torcher thee" -- torture; add question mark at the end. I should also point out that you don't need "thee," as the rest of the poem speaks of the elusive torturee as "you" and not "thou."
"do you like the look of this
do you want an outcome of more than sliced wrists" -- question marks, s'il vous plait.
"but hun itts all to soon" -- commas after "but" and "hun," respectively; it's; too.
no not yet will i let you die" -- commas after "no" and "yet," respectively. Nice intonation, while we're on this line.
"so do no refrain" -- ehh, iffy rhyme.
"so lovely how would you like it shalow or strait through" -- "so, lovely, how would you like it: shallow or straight through?"
"i mean its up to you" -- it's.
"tell me what you want i will make it come true" -- semicolon after "want."
"i will not give that to u" -- you.
"now you see you are stuck" -- commas after "now" and "see."
"now how would u like it my love" -- you; comma after "it"; question mark at the end. -
good....
vary good write...and yes...that is some raunchy shit lol...i like it
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EXCELLENTE!
i really liked the double meaning of torcher...
i really love the dark feeling created by the ominously sweet tone!!!! GREAT JOB!!
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Wow.
That's some pretty brutal-raunchy shit.
Nice write*
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this is really well written. good job! keep writing.
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i love it.
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