Ranting and arguing the days away
old, stubborn people, we are, today.
Well, honey.
Our lives are ending soon.
the wooden canes have snapped in two,
our teeth are rotting to decay,
& we can't even see each other anymore- literally.
[it is personal.]
the time when bloodied soldiers never came home has ended
children have transformed into whores with condoms in pockets
boys have drugs hidden in their fallen pants
girls wear clothing 5 times smaller than their skinned bodies-
what has the world come to today?
our altercations commence our high blood pressures,
these highly addicting foods- oh my. (truly delicious, I forbid to say.)
proceeding to the future is truly a test
when we already dread over our old juice box memories.
when life was simple...
when our lives were simple.
strolling in parks & listening to the static radios
old jazz and sinatra were playing.
we use to sit under tree shades and sip on those small drinks
while our parents laughed & enjoyed the homecoming of our fathers
breezy fire flies swirled around us on those humid summer nights
crushes were just crushes- nothing more than just one kiss-
kisses, remember our first kiss?
summer of 89', oh, our summer of love.
forget that;
get back to the present.
the rewinder to the past has broken apart,
we can't be.
that's just it;
no more juice box memories.
no more sipping under trees.
diminishing love- the carvings on the fine oak are chipped.
it's over.
Author notes
prompt;juiceboxmemories.
wow, i got alot from that...
A contest entry
- Juice Box Memories by RedAquarius.
380 points, ended July 21, 2007, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
incredible use of the prompt
throughout... a thought provoking piece, for certain... amazing the parallels that you have drawn and the way that you have done so!
-
Nice Poem
Very Nice Words.'God Bless'.Love, Shirley ann shaw-raytown,mo.
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There are punctuation problems through much of this write.
Line 4 - second 'our' should be 'are'.
Line 5 - did you mean to say 'sharpened into'? Still wouldn't make sense...sharpened into ...what?
Line 6 - 'rotting to decay' - repetitive rot/decay same thing...
line 12 - 'skinned bodies' - did you mean skinny?
Line 14 - I don't think commence is the right word, maybe something like 'feed' or 'fuel'?
Line 15 - the fragment in parentheses - you forbid to say? Makes no sense.
Line 18/19 - say virtually the same thing - remove one.
Line 24/25 - Nice. Very atmospheric and soft, a good taste of nostalgia.
Line 30 - rewinder - did you mean reminder?
Lines 28 till the end - I prefer the smoother flow you had working previously - a lot of these lines do nothing for me, (line 35 has good potential) consider revision.
Thank you for taking the time to enter. Good luck.
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