Onomatopoeia from an Occidental Lover by Lady-Pegasus at All poetry

Whoosh; the waves lap my soul and heart

Cobalt blue from the deep, it starts

Splash; the sea that’s kept us apart

I feel the future try to depart

Moan; the tide runs, leaving wet swirls of art

Shades of blue that one may chart

Pop; the bubbles of hope impart

Leaving wet sprays that are salty-tart

Sigh; my thoughts streak sad, blue darts

Waiting the day this love may restart

Author notes

I am here because my pen is strong,
but without this pass I fear I won't be here long.
So I use the words of wisdom pass.
To add 15 points and save my a--

A Monorhyme is a poem in which all the lines have the same end rhyme.

Please tell me what you think

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

By me, right now

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Haiku-bless-you
July 26, 2007

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HOODWINKED !!!
Good execution of Onomatopoeia and the monorhyme is right on! Great title but the reference to the Occidental Lover eludes me, either I am really slow or there is a private interpretation to it.

Well done my Bandit friend, enjoy your Hoodwink today.

Dennis
- Lady-Pegasus
  July 28, 2007
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  ahh dear then i have missed my goal, for it is meant to tell of lovers from diffferent continents that are parted, one here in the US and the other in Asia, hence occidental.
xxRainbowDawnxx
July 26, 2007
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xxRainbowDawnxx
July 26, 2007

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Hood wink

Most beautiful imagery. Loved the background as well, so beautiful. I like monorhymes but can't seem to master them myself. Beautifully written with words that put your mind and soul into a trance. Keep it up.
luckynsincere
July 15, 2007
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ooh yeah! Your 15 points will be added to your final score.

Mel
luckynsincere
July 15, 2007

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I have to disagree with you. I feel that you have underestimated yourself here. I felt that this this was enchanting and soul quenching. I actually loved it from start to finish. I see that you used your pass... which may help you through this round. Cute isn't it? ehehehehe.

I would have score this at 96. But, I did not feel that the presentation was worthy. This picture and the background used seemed to clash a bit.. the the outlined words... It seemed a bit too much. Presentation is over half of the battle for a writer. If the readers' eye is not appealed, then they will often lose interest. Therefore, your score from me is 90.

well done.

Mel
Arkbear
July 14, 2007

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Lady P ~

Hey there my Friend ~

Not bad...actually pretty good ~

Rhyme sounded a bit forced, but hey...it's a monorhyme ~

Presentation very nice ~

Grammatical choices very well chosen ~

Flow was staggered, as I felt you are bright enough

to keep the thought going with a wrap around,

and still have same end Rhyme before you wrap ~

There is no conclusive evidence that each line

has to end...*with*...the Rhyming pattern ~

I think you did a very good job on this and your efforts show ~

Your genre is Superb!

Overall.....one of the top 5 reads ~

Bear ~

98.5
Whispering Wind
July 13, 2007

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I loved this my sister! it flows so sweet and soft across the tongue thank you for sharing and just being you love the background!
The Poetic Angel
July 13, 2007
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perfik monorhyme sis i love it all the words the background it awsome xxx minxie xxx
tawk
July 12, 2007

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Wow I loved this Monorhyme!! Wonderful imagery throughout. I love the background to