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Going to sleep

Obliged to pick each letter
like a kindergartener I
apologized and wished
upon my nightly apology
that someone else would
one day sing the same notes
to me. Thanked her for
feedback, oblivious to
how much the old writing style
could damage my mask.

An hour afterwards, eyelashes
ran a marathon to prove they
are better poets than me – they
who said I was eating rainbows
right from a sky bowl –
only water with sweetened vitamins.

Author notes

Thursday, July 12, 2007

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • Jaden silver member
    September 13, 2007

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    Random is good . . . if it truly reflects the inner going-ons and you express it, hey, who cares if it doesn't make sense. I believe the unconscious mind picks up on all manner of subtleties and it's rather cool to engage that part of the mind. Sometimes you get lucky bringing it to the surface . . . true, it can present itself as the Loc Ness monster . . . but even that can be interesting.

    I like the ending to this too. So unexpected.


  • bw43
    July 12, 2007

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    hmmm... i liked this. i kind of feel like eating skittles now though. lol. the part about u eating rainbows made me think that. i dont like vitamin water. thats what the last line made me think of.

    so the title is going to sleep, and the first stanza sounds like it is about harsh criticism. i'm not sure i got it entirely, but i did enjoy reading it.

    my only critique is that in line 3 and 4 you used the root word of apology twice... which makes it sound a little... ehh.. not as pretty as it could be. i would just recommend going to a thesaraus for one of them, or possibly rewording it...

    but other than that, i really enjoyed this piece

    • file not found
      July 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      This poem is about the most random and odd incidents possible so it would be hard to get it, but I have enjoyed your input on this. As for your critique - I repeated the root word "apology" on purpose. But I shall look into it more later. If it is tiring to read that way, it should indeed be changed


  • godsshoeshine
    July 12, 2007

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    It's the ish

    I've had you added to my favorites for sometime, and I don't think I've yet to comment. You're style is invigorating with a splash of crooked. Its turns are wobbly though stable; in lamens terms: I love your shit! The abstraction mixed with colorful words hit the spot! Great write