What is it that your looking for,
i guess something i can not give.
Everyday every hour every minute
spent looking for this lost thing in time.
I think too hard and get nothing in return,
a sore head, a sense of wounded pride.
That it's not me you really want,
i'm just a rest stop along your highway.
How many rest stops have their been?
And to where do you think you'll end up.
That the goddess at the end of the track
will take you up, will love you as much as me.
I don't want you to leave, but birdies,
them birdies have been whispering, softly.
Do you want to go, another rest stop up ahead.
Not one will be as good as mine, i tell you that.
You leave me dormant until another weary traveller,
- comes to take me as his own.
A contest entry
- Within a Moment by DarkSunRises.
450 points, ended July 18, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
You said what am i thinking now, well vulnerable if you can't tell, so yeh this is me! Please don't be TOO harsh.
Comments
-
A very good start. Despite the fact that this is a little close to the loss of love bit I didn't want... it has the potential to be something much more than what it is. I specifically like the idea of relating yourself to a rest stop along the road, a speed bump. Don't tell me what's happening - that he's leaving. Tell this to me in the eyes of emotion without the solid world telling you what to write.
Maybe if you focus on the fact that he stalled at this rest stop - got stuck maybe? And then moved on, allowing each car behind him to go through it as well... but perhaps you know he will never stall at another again. It's well written, and the feeling is there... But I need more of the emotional mental reaction and less of what is really going on.
Thank you for your time - if you have any questions, message me, I'll be glad to push you to make this poem that little bit better.
- DarkSun
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