It's 2:30 am, pacing on the terrace:
I see me ricochet against the edge
of an open window on the fourth floor.
I feel a strange numbness: a speck of ash
scatters, the end left to fall:
tumble and swing in mid air.
There's no spark as the stub hits the ground.
I begin each day at 7:00 am
somewhere near the spot
where the stub hit the ground.
In a list
A contest entry
- oh, to just disappear... by CarCrashHumor.
1500 points, ended August 15, 2007, 48 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I read your comment to the other about the "me, myself" thing. The way you have it, I don't think it works too well. But, you seem adamant on keeping the "me", so, I would suggest "I can see me..." - which adds the filler word but makes for a better read, loosely.
I do feel "myself" is better in context but, we write what we wish, everyone else be damned.
Just an opinion, and suggestion.
Good piece, nonetheless.
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action-packed.
I love the use of the time. and the descriptions were very nice.
one suggestion I have is for the 2nd line where you wrote "I see me" I think it would be better as "I see myself"
but maybe you intended it to be like that, sometimes I don't know. But I figure I'll say it anyways in case the author agrees.
I like this piece very much. -
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I have avoided the reflexive pronoun "myself", and instead kept "me" (objective). I wanted to get the reflexive effect as a consequence, and attempted to disentangle the subject (here first person). Had it been third person, I would have gleefully used a reflexive pronoun, e.g., "he saw himself...".
Thanks for the query!
D
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I can barely conceive of a type of beauty in which there is no Melancholy.
Charles Baudelaire--
all the time goodly to start out a poem about "Ennui" with a quote Mr. Beaudelaire.
In essence, he was about the ease of evil, how easy it was to commit an act of evil, this is reflected here in the momentary urge, the imitations of falling, and the realisation of its futility, even as the moment passes and the responsibility, the harder thing to do is recalled.
it is easy enough to put aside thoughts of labor, to set aside life itself, to abandon cause, and love, and beauty--and to be selfish, yet hard as it may seem to be resigned, there is beauty in being harnessed to the yoke and setting forth
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Good to read you D.
You've been busy not writing?
Almost want to substitute I for A Man ( you know me always searching for detachment these days except when th e poem screams for I ) and maybe this one does I haven't much a clue anymore.
What I do know is that there is all this action in this short piece that is so full of near blank nothingness. Well done.
Good luck to you in the contest.
Lisa
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