All sunsets are illusions to the eye
No sun has ever set from mortal sight -
Our puny ball of mud spins in the sky
To stare upon the void men call the night
False illusions of a worthy purpose
Cloud thick the minds of men serenely shown
A world where human population ageless
And to this tune our lives are not our own
Control and prelude are ever the keys
To rule the world for useless benefit
We step across so many boundaries
Refuse to allow our lives as forfeit
All sunsets are illusions to the eye
And we ourselves are gods - and all gods die.
Author notes
This poem was to capture the egocentric minds of the common human. We will eventually fade away and be no more - but we are determined to live forever.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I think this one needs a little work. The 1st four lines are rhymed in abab, (eye-sky) (sight-night)
then some of the others don't seem to flow like those 1st four. So it's hard to tell if they are meant to or not. If they are, when you do decide to rework some of these use the rhymer tool and see if you can find better rhymes. Also sometimes it helps to split your poem into stanzas. It sometimes makes the flow better.
I think the poem itself is great. And the idea behind it is one not seen often here. So with a little work this can go from a good poem to a great one with just a few word changes. -
This was a well done sonnet, your rhyming is good here. Not much to improve on. You already got Pistol's feedback on this and he is the rhyme and meter king. So you probably have already adjusted it. i like it...Scott
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The meaning and the poem is good...but some of the rhyming does feel forced. The flow is uneven to me, but it still works well. With just alittle work this could be better..it is already good...I enjoyed your message here..thanks for sharing
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I'm in love with the
"All sunsets are illusions to the eye And we ourselves are gods - and all gods die."
The Message is amazing. -
This is a successful poem. I like the message. You don't really have to explain the poem, it speaks for itself.
Having a strong beginning and a strong end is important - and you have those. Some of the lines in the middle don't communicate as strongly for me ("Cloud thick the minds of men serenely shown"). And there are some hiccups in the meter ("reFUSE to ALlow OUR lives AS forFEIT"), but mostly it flows well and supports the overall message.
I really like the couplet. It resonates for a while after I finish reading. Thank you for this entry.
-Epistomolus -
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Yes, some of the lines need work - I need to connect that one especially to the next two... any help you might be able to give me would be greatly appreciated.
The meter in a true sonnet is maleable, really - according to the practice of sonnet writing. The lines should be 10 sylables all the way through, but it is possible to tweak it to 9 or 11 given the current standards. Meter is also negotiable... there are names for each slight change in each stanza. In truth, though the sonnet is known for it's ridgidity, it's just as flexible as any rhyming poem.
I don't mean to be a pain, but I did want to explain that I know that it's not a perfect example, but that I did understand that shifting like that made it less powerful in some eyes. I took my chance because I think it sounds good the way it is, and I appreciate your comment no matter the outcome.
Thank you for your words and your opinions, I do appreciate them.
- DarkSun
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