How Do I Survive?

How Do I Survive... By:Bee Bratcher 7/6/07
im looking at him, but its u i see
im making love him but its u i feel inside of me.
he holds me the same way u did,
he has the same love u have for kids.
when he talks, its u i hear,
when he's around , i wish it were u near.
when me and him talk about marriage,
i think back to when u and i was engaged,
but when i think about u with her i become enraged.
what have u done to me,
u still hold my heart under lock and key,
i have the perfect guy here with me,
but somehow i make myself believe, that we are still meant to be.
at night, u haunt my dreams, i wake up crying and longing to scream.
because of u, i cant give my heart to no one else,
ive tried and tried but can not help myself.
how long will  missing u last, i wish so bad to have u back.
i look in the mirror and practice what i'd say if i ever see u again,
i think of how i would beg u to allow us to at least be friends.
i pray for the day to come, to hear u say i love u, once more.
i sit and stare, hoping to see u walk back thru my front door.
how could u just walk away,
without ever calling to check and see if im okay?
did u ever even love me at all,
i wish so bad i wouldve never allowed myself to fall.
just when i think im at the point of moving on,
i hear the radio, and it's playing our song.
u left me here, with no where to turn
and i know its time to let go of us, and just let it burn.
i know in my mind,
u aint never coming back to me,
but letting u go just isnt so easy.
u gave her the life we were suppose to have,
u gave her the child i was suppose to birth,
i wish just for a split second u felt how bad this shit hurts.
u gave her the ring that was mine,
it was suppose to be with me, that u spent ur lifetime.
i thought i knew u but u never kept it real,
i wish so bad u felt all the pain i feel.
after how bad u treated i dont understand why i still love u so.....
i have to deal with all these feelings by myself because no one can know.
i pretend to be over u and happy on the outside,
but the memories of me and u constantly tortutre my mind.
i know im stronger than this, but u are my number 1 weakness,
u cut thru me so deep with all of ur decievement.
when another man changes my last name,
i will still wonder what couldve been,
everytime i write,
ur the inspiration that will flow thru my pen.
u left me crying in the rain,
because no one can know, they're unaware of my pain.
u have placed a burden on my heart,
u put the pieces back together,
only to rip them apart.
when u left u took half of me
my heart lost its rythem, u threw it off beat.
how do i erase what we had, how do i go thru life acting as if i dont care,
how will i ever make it wthout u there,
all this pain is eating me alive,
the one question that will forever remain,
is without u, how do i survive????