It's I against I
Basis Instincts shrivel
Like a slug in the burning sun
The bell in my head tolls endlessly
Sound waves visible
Light rays unbearable
Both a six man gang
Ready to slaughter me like the dog I am
Fucked up
Roughed up
Bust up
Shut up
Broke down
Thrown down
Beat down
Straight down
Zero percent rationality
One-hundred percent anxiety
Author notes
Interpret it as you will. I have a meaning but would like to hear your meaning when reading this poem.
A contest entry
- Release Inner Anguish (Dark poetry from Dark poets) by Girl With Guitar.
1300 points, ended August 9, 2007, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - pain for love by Life Is A Game.
600 points, ended March 3, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - come one come all lyrics wanted!!! by diabeticboy.
1050 points, ended April 15, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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no.
sorry, but I don't consider this poetry. it's not that the lines are short, as many great poets do that, but nothing was really conveyed.
thanks for entering. -
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Addressing both of the judges.
I respect and appreciate constructive criticism when constructive criticism is given. But due to the fact that the both of you gave absolutely terrible, inane, and unintelligent criticism, I'm throwing my politeness out the window. If you don't like it, that's fine but for you both to disregard this as poetry all together is the stupidest thing I've ever been subject to in a long time. You don't understand poetry. You don't know how to write poetry. Aanika . . . Just because you have a wonderful way with imagery and words does not mean that your subject matter doesn't suck. Just because you know how to write well doesn't mean you're a poet. It just means you know how to write well. I'm conveying the fact when someone becomes over whelmed their ability to be rational and think clearly becomes debilitated. Thoughts become unclear and pulling yourself out from negative mental emotions is hard because of that fact. How you didn't understand even the basis message of this poem is beyond me . . . Is it difficult for you to not understand anything besides teen angst poetry? Sorry I try for my writings to invoke thought and emotion and be philosophical in subject and intelligent in delivery. Who knew that little girls writing about how they hate mom and dad and don't get enough dick would be the latest craze poetry has ever seen. William Blake and Boris Pasternak would be rolling over in there graves right now. Not because they were amazing poets but because they understand the subjectivity that is art and above all poetry. Color me Silent . . . You wanna know the biggest irony of your comment? That your poetry is by technical writing standards . . . a mother fucking list. It doesn't matter if written in roman numerals, bullets, or what have you. It's subject matter is divided and tacked out, so what does that make of your poetry? Sorry this didn't read like a seventeen year old girls journal entries.
Both of you need to go to school, and learn what poetry is. One of you needs to learn how to write it. You both have an arrogance to you that needs to be diffused immediately. You both write dime-store novel poetry and have no understanding of poetry. Unfortunately because you both gallivant on this site likes it's myspace, making friends about as intelligent and talented as the both of you, you narcissistically feed each other complements filling your heads with the ridiculous idea that your better than you are. I've made my thoughts on this matter clear.
This is what inanity and arrogance gets you.
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no
To me, this seemed more like a list than a poem, and it kind of bothered me. I understand what you're trying to convey, but I feel as though it could have been done more effectively.
Please wait for the other judge to comment.
♣ Tegan -
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Despite the fact you write in Vignette . . .
By Technical writing standards it's still a fucking list and yet . . . still poetry. Idiot. -
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don't call her an idiot. her comment was very constructive and all you're showing by insulting her is that you're immature.
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This sounds very good read aloud. The cadence gives it power. Thank you very much for entering my contest.
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Sounds like a gang war, but you're not a gang. Thanks for the entry.
Bandaid. -
I'm just trying to think of the meaning...
I really liked this poem, the rhythm to it interested me, as it seemed to get quicker and more direct as the poem went on, heavier and heavier. I enjoyed that.
Line 1 leads me to believe this is dealing with an inner problem, but line 7 seems to contradict that. I'm thinking that this poem is about inner struggle, the "six man gang" just a metaphor for the power of oneself. It really, for me, dealt around insecurity, anxiety...maybe dealing with these troubles (in a certain situation)?
I don't know if that's what you intended, but that's what I got, and I really enjoyed it that way.
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