what if someone were to write a song
for you?
what if all the notes were wrong,
haunting
in the fog?
what if
you ran in
your hair wet
and there was someone waiting?
Maybe you would brush the hair
from your eyes
and smile. Maybe.
what if,
a heart
were in the song,
would you hold it for a while,
and smile,
or would you be afraid
as I am?
What if,
you were
surrounded by fences,
and someone wanted in,
would you open a gate;
or
What if
the nights were bleak,
and cold,
What if the faces
in the harsh light
were all the same,
laughing in the dark,
cold eyes
lashing your outline
against the smoke
swirling in the room;
And yes, what if
they smashed your gates
and wrecked your fences,
and carried you away?
would you be happy then?
Maybe.
Author notes
July, 1996
Written August 24th, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Erm, this is weird. I mean it is definitely not what I expected or what I had in mind. But it is weird, may be I did not get the poem, I mean I don't get why it should be categorized as 'love' And what about the title? "The princess" I mean is she kidnapped or all this is a metaphor.
I am sorry to have wasted your points, but.. you're just unlucky that I read your poem
You should question marks at the end of some lines. And it should be "may be" with a space in the middle (our essay professor keep reminding us)
Sorry, for wasting your points again, but keep on writing, I am sure Not everyone is stupid like Me
Nooni
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Intriguing
Sounds like love isn't going well for you right now. But don't ever give up hope, all can turn around in the flash of an eye. Your poem was well done with good flow and word selection. Pen on...
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The wordplay here is great. I love the style and the flow, great job
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Darkly hypnotizing wordplay here.
I like the use of questions here, and even with the answer, which sometimes takes away from the effect, yours didn't because i saw how you worded it as a conversing thing, and the maybe was good. It didn't take away at all from the poem and still gave it that mysterious touch. -
Great title. Once upon a time someone used to call me that - yikes, the pressure of that moniker.
I enjoyed this poem because it had many twists and turns throughout - I wasn't quite sure where it would end up. Often I will let my eyes jump down to the last line to catch a glimpse - but I stopped myself from spoiling the surprise. The ending is superb! I almost think you could do without the word "maybe" and just let it end with the question.
Lovely piece!
Precious
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Well done and thank you for sharing. This is a great poem. I love it all... the poem, the background, the topic....it's all great. keep writing......you have a lot to offer.
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Darling
Courage is fear understood
to stop but overcome
doing as courage should
destroying fences for everyone.
Smoosh
Janet -
Oh!! I love this so much. despite it being completely stylisticaly not my usual stuff at all, I love this poem. i guess this is what my ex was going through for so long.
I especialy love the first line
"what if someone were to write a song
for you?
what if all the notes were wrong,"
Beautiful wording, it truly is. and the smashing down of gates!! Magnificent wordplay. truly a good poem BRAVO
Good Write and God Bless
~poet of dreams~ -
I liked this write and read it a few times to take it in fully. Fear sometimes is our greatest mistake, as we may be hurt by letting go, we may also be rewarded with love unbreakable and eternal. Your wording was flawless, not too choppy and absolutely genius. Bravissimo. Merry Part and Blessed Be.
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this is wow ! i like it no wait i don't!I LOVE it !you need to KEEP WRITEING LIKE THIS!and to enter this in a contest!i know you will win !well i think you shoulg ,keep writeing and enspiring us all!,countrygurl18
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good
it's a good work,even though I didnt really get the true picture of what you try to paint here -
wow this is alot different to what i usally comment on but i did enjoy
i think i be happy if it was my bf breaking the gates but it really depends who great write! -
Interesting
it is certainly one to make you think, I have and I am still not certain if she would be happy or not. To me it is almost a 'finish yourself' piece where depending on the way you perceive the princess you can amend her ultimate happiness, is it that she has too much of her own way and needs someone to master her, is it that she would be taken by revolutionaries and perhaps killed, is that she doesn't know what she wants who knows -
There are some beautiful lines in this poem. I wonder the purpose of such an ethereal line>lashing your outline
against the smoke
swirling in the room;
And yes, what if
they smashed your gates
and wrecked your fences<<when you had already achieved it by your previous connotation! This is coming good, and imagery is evocative...that anaphora accentuates the mood. Very good job!
D -
Made me think of "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Defranco (the singer/songwriter in case you're not a fan). I know I've had my princess moments, but mostly, I'm just the maid. How we silly girls can sometimes look beyond what's already there. Now I'm mad at myself...thanks.
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all men think themselves the knight until they figure out they don't have what it takes to rescue a princess.... or is that a damsel in distriss.... and do we even know what we want resuing from.. ourselves or our environment... I could go on and on.. I love how you write.
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Well, now, sounds a bit like a dashing prince might be wanting to rescue this princess from something.. but not sure if she wants to be rescued? Maybe he has nothing to offer, or at least nothing to compare to what is inside her fence. Regardless, you pose interesting questions, but no answers. Would a princess be happy with a pauper Prince? Probably, but she may not know that! You have a very interesting style. I like it.
~ becky
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good
OK, I like it. I don't understand, but when do I? I think it is a great poem.It makes me wonder. -
this is really interesting.. there's such a twist near the end to darkness..
or
What if
the nights were bleak,
and cold,
What if the faces
in the harsh light
were all the same,
laughing in the dark,
cold eyes
lashing your outline
against the smoke
swirling in the room;
And yes, what if
they smashed your gates
and wrecked your fences,
and carried you away?
...would she be happy then? .. I thought no, but you said maybe - which turned it all around and forced me to rethink everything. Every question has something lurking behind it .. and I think I would not like to be a princess.
loved this
~Scarlet
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and again you wow me! How do you write like this? It's amazing! I love your style and the words and phrases you choose! Everything about this poem just like screams at me! It so weird! I love it! I wanna like read it over and over and over again! It's really amazing. As is the other work of yours that i have read. Thank you again!
x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0
-cat- -
Interesting poem! Happiness would depend on who broke through the barriers, I think. Thank you for commenting on my poem and homepage!
Maureen
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wow this poem speaks to me, thank you for posting it.
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Sometimes one has to hear what is NOT said. ~~~Val
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This poem is awsome! It is terribally wicked at least that is how it seems to me. I really like it because it makes you think. I am dying to know what inspired you to write this because i really like it. I like your words and your thought. It really is a great poem so great job!-Sherry(LR)
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