If god were a pair of Laramie lesbians,
she’d likely swagger while she walked,
depending on whether she were butch or Barb,
or whether she wore spurs and walked
with a “ching”, redefining commandments,
and dancing the Lebanese tango.
If god were a Slocum house full of chutney,
he’d probably make a vat of Brisbane Ale,
pull the tarp off the snooker table, and
call Sam Clemens in to shoot the bull
and the ball, observing a pair of
Laramie lesbians “chinging” as they walk
around the table in step, wearing
loaded holsters and ten-gallon hats…
If god were a Chinese dwarf,
then for sure it would mix breeds
folded over into white silk sheets
and head adoringly into the Nu Jiang River
for a cleansing of its wrinkled skin,
its dirty toenails and its illicit thoughts
of a Slocum house full of chutney and
a pair of Laramie lesbians.
Author notes
I sure hope my folks don't read this...heck, I hope God don't read it!
A contest entry
- If God Were A...... (Contest) by galfalfa.
625 points, ended July 18, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
450 points, ended April 25, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - FOR ALL MY FAVS BECAUSE I AM A PAIN IN THE SOFT SPOT LOL by Swan song.
2400 points, ended July 5, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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You could be in trouble my advice to you is stay inside during all electrical storms! This is one hell of an effort for a poem I excellent no brilliant humor !!!!!!
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See now I usually hate repetition but I gotta tell you, this is really great. I love the comparisons.
You have wit, humor and a bit of truth in here as well. Great piece. -
LMAO - it's a great poem, I love it...but I forgot to put on the contest that I don't want pre-writes
sorry about that...
love the poem, though
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It's just excellent.
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superb...
al
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This read so easy,it could have read itself on into infinity echoing off into our universe...
Everytime an angel get's their wings a Larmie Lesbian cha-chings.
Loved this!
galfalfa
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Oooops..... too late...lol. Now ol' Mark Twain would have to be impressed wouldn't he? I can just imagine the tales he could spin about two lesbians and a dwarf. God are you listening? Best of luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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Oh my g... there! I nearly said it...
If for a moment God would forget that I am a rag doll and give me a scrap of life, possibly I would not say everything that I think, but I would definitely think
everything that I say. ~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Final Farewell
This is wonderful stuff. I was hung up, drawn in, and cut into fishfingers from the first two lines. Sappho would be proud of you. This piece is nicely vitriolic - you seem to have warmed to your theme and produced another [characteristically] good poem. The tirade is delivered with a sure touch, verging on the heavy-handed, but never quite going overboard, ending with a very appropriate image - indeed, one that blends the twin messages of depravity and hope almost perfectly.
The blessing sings over the bones and god makes the pipes burst...Good luck in the contest.
♦ ~ crissy
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This is prety funny, eh? Seems like you have a rollicking imagination there, just rolling along picking up tidbits of vision and wit. I'm sure G-d will understand :-), I mean, you didn't even capitalise. What is a Slocum house? Forgive my ignorance. Mmmmmm, Brisbane beer....do you mean Brisbane, Australia? 'Cause if you do, well, I am sitting in Brisbane right now, listening to very loud Bob Dylan (Things have changed) and drinking XXXX - the Brisbane Ale!
Anyways, a fine poem, I will read some more, love the imagery, and the fact that laramies and a "slocum house" (????) both got gendered hard, but the poor Chinese dwarf (wrinkly dwarf....yaish)only got "it".
Good work,
K. F.
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haha
i love that i dont even care to try and figure out anything more than the absurdity of the imagery. thanks for the colorful stream of non-sequitor. it made the afternoon workmare less humdrum. hahaha
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ohhhhhh you are soooooo very twisted....
You are really twisted!! You know that right?? ohhhhh such a sick puppy...ROTHFLMAO!! I'm reminded of the song "Counting Blue Cars" by Dishwalla. The fact that it was a guy that had these thoughts excites me. Tells me much about the man....as you do here. That you give it that extra twist....wow!!
ha...I imagine if God were a lesbian, she'd be both. I'd like to think, "I'm everything you want and more!"
This does have the sound of song in it. I wouldn't want it sung by a woman though. Cause it has that extra kick when sung by a guy. Lets one know the guy does do that now and again...Think. LOL It would also make me think twice before I asked a guy what he was thinking! LOL..
Chelle
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Wow!
Absolutely amazing ...you DO have a way with words. Women of the world delight but beware (just kidding) lol! I love this write.
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When you go off on one, you REALLY go off don't you? LOL! Another well rounded chink in the Balldinger chain of brilliantly penned and intriguing poetry. Loved this on Ed
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I hope god does read it, whom or whatever that may be to you. Then she will put her feet up, order a round of cognacs for herself and all her lesbianese girlfriends, light a vanilla cigar, point her finger at us all and laugh her fucking ass off. Genius.
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This is, frankly, genious. God is, in fact, a green eyed newt who gets stepped on by a Chinese dwarf because he wandered into a Slocum house at the wrong time o' day.
I hope your parents read this, send you to bed without supper and god showers manna.
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i can almost hear the bare naked ladies singing this- this needs to be set to music and a cold beer
love this
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lol. Wow, Ed, that's beautifyl! Though I don't think you can call a 'pair of Laramie lesbians" a 'she'..... Aweome, though, as always. Great job! Hope you place in the contest!!!!!!
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