You were the most elegant star
you were the most beautiful of all
you were an insperation for everthing I do
and I told you everyday I loved you
I remember the look in your eyes
that sparkle I used to cherish
all the emotional ties
now are abolished
the monstrosities
trying to grab sympathies
the lying and laughing behind my back
only the start, that made my heart crack
You were my queen in black
you were my sacrid crystal
but your face is only my reflection on a pistol
what hurt more than anything
was the way you tried to hide him
tried to cover your own sins
my voodoo dolly tell me now where are your pins
I kissed those lips of cyanide
thinking everyday was alright
but it wasn't even close
arguing everyday - at each others throats
Once I would of swam to atlanic if you'd asked
but thats before I found your true self was masked
okay I made errors that I couldn't undo
I was probably the fault to everytime we'd argue
because I couldn't ever make you feel satisfied
not in bed - inside
but you didn't need to tag me along
thats wrong
I love'd you - and somewhere I still do
and the only words I can say are FUCK YOU
but this ain't about how I feel now is it
you probably wouldn't give a shit if I said we are finished
as long as you have a grip on my heart
you wouldn't care if the world fell apart
your nails scratching at my arteries
making me squirm on my knees
making me beg for forgiveness
I don't think you'd care if this really was the end
you've stripped down my defense's
you've weaved your web of treachery
I was too blind to know the real you
this is my funneral invite to you
so now I lay me down to weep
and may the spirits watch me as I sleep
and remind you forever more
you killed me - you fucking whore
you were my sacrid crystal
but your face is only my reflection on a pistol
Author notes
I don't really know what the hell to call this
its basis is something from somewhere concerning stuff
and it sucks like shit - hope somewhere out there and can relate, and can feel the pain with me...
A contest entry
- Tell Me The Truth. Did You Ever Love Me? by forbidden-colour.
300 points, ended July 12, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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WOW
THE EMOTION OF THIS PIECE IS JUST SUFFOCATING! WELL DONE! There are many lines in here that grabbed me, i ABSOLUTELY ADORED THIS LINE:
"I kissed those lips of cyanide"
That just totally shook me. It's soo descriptive and really gets the message across. It takes something that's supposed to be loving and sweet and venomously taints it. These lines were also great:
"I was too blind to know the real you
this is my funneral invite to you"
I love the whole funeral invite idea. It's a very strong use of the pain that's felt. I also really love the ending.
"so now I lay me down to weep
and may the spirits watch me as I sleep
and remind you forever more
you killed me - you fucking whore
you were my sacrid crystal
but your face is only my reflection on a pistol"
BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN! YAY!
-
Like I've said to another person in this contest, the swearing really doesn't add compact and makes the piece look like trash talk, like a snotty arguement.
Lullaby.x. -
Powerful. Everypart of this is very nicely written. The ending sums it up nicely but still leaves you thinking.
Keep up the great work
Em
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