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Girls

Who ever said girls can't be strong?
The sexist pricks who really need to hit the showers
They've always been dead wrong
I'm the perfect showcase for girl power

Yes, I cook and clean
I even sew

But if I'm mean

..... well thats because of you

 

I  don't need a man to take care of me

But if I do then that's okay

Cause he'd see things that I wouldn't see

And he'd know what to say

 

I need a man, that in a fight

I'd know that he'd be alright

If he sees me cry he would say

'Who's butt am I kicking today?'

 

But just because I want one

Doesn't mean I need one

Because for the past five years

I've concured (sp?) all my fears (except clowns...lol)

 

And besides I'll never be alone

..... I'll be safe inside myself

 

 

 

 

 

 

A contest entry

Tell me if you hate it, what I need to work on, ect. ect....

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • duana
    July 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    There are some really great lines in this poem, but yes I would agree it is your worst of the choices you have given us. I appreciate this poem because it is one I can actually rate as a poem- it is obvious that real thought, not just feeling has gone into this and your other writes. The thing I like about this poem compared to your others is that you pay careful attention to line length in this poem, and you really succeed well at it. In your other poems- the phrasing is better, but they don't have the same polish as this one- and sometimes drage the reader through the poem instead of leading us! So over all I would say that all your poems could use conscious revision thinking of form and flow. This would greatly bring outthe impact which is hidden in alll your poems. I would say always think about each line- is every word and phrase and line perfect? (some actually are in this poem!!!! In other poems the phrasing is perfect but obscured because of lack of flow). Other questions to ask yourself: is there anything out of place, is it flawless, and if not, change it to make it flawless....what skills do I need to gain that could add to this poem ect.

    Good luck. I REALLY enjoyed all your poetry. It contains brilliance, andf I look forward to reading more.


  • MourningSun
    July 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I liked it and it is true. We don't need a man to look after us. I don't even want a guy. I'd rather be alone and be able to show that power is not reserved for the men. Most of them are perfect examples of weakness honestly. You are a good example of female power and we need more girls to step up and take control. Great write.... I got a little carried away with this. Hehehe.


  • Florida Sunshine
    July 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Gloriosky... great write on the one you submitted. I'm for anything that encourages woman to take control. ~ I've taken a look at your other work. You only have 4 written so far, so it makes it a little tougher to determine if I would rate this your worst. I liked opposites attract a lot ~ clearly your best. But, I'm kind of on the cusp with "Sand". I really like this write, you put some power and feeling into it!

    Remember I am not the sole judge, maybe Duana will look/view it differently~ we'll see. Thanks for entering and good luck to you.