The rushing water fills the tub
While bubbles form and gather
Once content the water stops
So now it’s time to lather
The soft and soothing melody
Fills the room with ease
Each note serenely echoes
Constructing symphonies
The music whispers softly
As bubbles float on by
Drifting slowly as they fade
Like snowflakes in July
The candlelight still flickers
Casting playful shadows
Reflections dance on water
Relieving all your sorrows
The scent of lime and coconut
Sifts slowly through the air
Relaxing your whole body
Your skin so soft and bare
Eyelids become heavy
As tranquility sets in
A new ripple with each breath
…………Serenity begins
Author notes
Inspired by actual events
A contest entry
- Anything by Nam.
900 points, ended August 25, 2007, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me your honest opinion
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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The pace trips in the 4th. It seemed it was in syllable count when I got to that verse, I noticed however that it isn't. I would recommend placing this in a syllable count, that way it works in your form and makes the read easier.
I noticed that most of your lines are 7 then 6 syllables (a couple are 8) so I would suggest you rewriting the piece to suit 7/6/7/6 (or whichever you feel is adequate). It also helps in the reading of the rhymes, which didn't seem to bother me at all. But, the lack of pace, did.
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wow....makes me want to take a bath after reading this. you did a very nice job of describing everything and the imagery was great. The last stanza was my favorite.
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This is an amazingly penned poem, One that sets your mind at ease, with serenity and all the rest of the relaxation that a busy day can bring to a hard working soul, Brilliantly penned again thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work as always rob..
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Perfect atmosphere...the background worked well with this one too. Great work as usual, m'lady.
Mind company in there?
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