Christmas nor'easter;
tracked mud
attacks Pinesol cheer.
Frantic moms
glare
at flight departure times.
Sullen teens
jammed against the wall -
plugged in,
tuned out.
Dad's holiday this year...
Joyce Josephson
Author notes
Winter theme
In a list
A contest entry
- Quickie, 20 minutes, 10 entries, 25 Words. Beat The Clock! by Cupcrazy.
450 points, ended July 8, 2007, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - One by Nam.
425 points, ended October 6, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
500 points, ended November 9, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nothing From the Fruit Bowl by Nicole Hanna.
1500 points, ended December 18, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - hidden agenda by Randomly Beautiful.
300 points, ended October 18, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
Thank you for your entry.
-
It's a list, or reads that way to me. And there isn't much here for me to get invested in while reading. Perhaps it's the length. It feels like there should be more to the story, more emotion, more... something. I'm not quite sure what. Right now, for me at least, it does tend to read like a lengthy holiday haiku. onerios will give her opinions when she's online to do so, and perhaps we'll start using the preliminary finalists list... so keep an eye out for that.
-
-
You need to read between the lines. Yes, it's minimal, it doesn't tell you, it shows images. You pull it together for yourself.
I have serious poetry. much of it rhymes, some of it is form poetry that is centered. This was one of the few I have that matches your criteria.
-
-
I totally get the message, even appreciate it. Minimal works in my book. I don't know... I just don't think there was enough for me to personally connect with it. I'll have to check out your other work. I adore form poetry (onerios is the one who secretly hates it lol).
-
-
-
Its never fun to travel during the holidays.
(I apologize for not commenting critically, life has gotten in the way. -
Excellent grammar usage beautiful write I wish you the best of luck in the contest and congratulations on the honorable mention
-
Learned a new word "noreaster", in your first line. How it actually relates to your first line, I have no idea. Since "noreaster" means a storm blowing from the "north east". I couldn't find another definition, going with "Christmas" and "mud", I just do not see the relation.
However, I do see relation of that word to the rest of the piece (perhaps not the Pinesol) but that line, it just bothers me.
I reckon it's something for those who fly. I don't fly - ever. Last time I flew, it was on a helicopter, and I was unconscious at the time; don't think that really counts, and before then I was 2 years old and have no recollection, so I don't think that counts either.
All but the use fo that word, in the context of the first line, I thought it was a simple poem on a simple subject that actually effects many people on a daily basis.
-
-
I modified this to make the scene a little clearer, without spelling it out too much. Basically, it's about children of divorce whose parents life a distance from each other, thus the airline commute.
The flight is delayed, due to a storm.
Pinesol is a strongly scented cleaner. I believe it is used on floors.
-
-
I have seen this one played out! Everyone seems irritable, and the adults with the glued-on smiley faces practically dancing for joy after boarding takes place (of course, our flight was late, so that may have contributed).
You established a scene in a few words. Like the [artificial] "Pinesol cheer, glare, sullen, jammed, who cares" mood setting. Noreaster mud a great intro!
Very nice
-
-
Thanks! I find stuff critical on divorce or in praise of marriage plays poorly on this site.
-
-
Powerful piece, love the background! Congrats on the Shiney
Love when that happens ~Tia
-
this is the way i feel great write keep doing well
love the papa -
kool...congrats on the shiny well deserved xxx cheeky xxx
-
cool write! i like this! it speaks such truths. keep writing! God bless you always >:S<
-
Wow!
Powerful emotions You have brought forth and what images this draws
The last line tugs at the Heartstrings
Thank You for sharing this!
Congratulations on Your HM!!
Appreciate Your comment on my work
Many blessings to You
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
-
-
Thank you for your comment, and congrats on your gold!
-
-
Unique! I like the twist you took with this!
-
Excellent take on the prompt, very emotional and unique. Hugs, Bunny
-
Your Prompt is: Scent Of Denial
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
