The chemical imbalance of a "healthy life"
Wins the trophy and the burdens as well
The oppression that led us to today
And the transgressions of tomorrow
To hate is to love and to love is not to ignore
The disappointment of fates deranged dream
Responding to the challenge of emancipation
And yet to be the one who lives with depression
Decapitation of your sweet fragrance
Leaving me as a corpse to your enjoyment
We breed to the purest song as we decay
Laying in our coffin never to see days light
Here I sit, positive of your emotions
But never leaving the chance to subside
Hoping to see the same as once before
The chemical balance of a "healthy life"
A contest entry
- In Search of the Elite (Round 1) by zillion.
375 points, ended July 25, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by Nam.
900 points, ended August 25, 2007, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I liked the thoughts behind this, though to me it was really hard to get into, I can't be sure why.
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Decapitation of your sweet fragrance
Leaving me as a corpse to your enjoyment
These lines were a pull for me due to the imagery it created. I liked that. However, the rest of the piece seems slightly mechanical in emotion...almost clinical in its delivery. If that was the intent, then it was well-delivered. The only thing else that I'd point out is the fact that there seemed to be more telling rather than showing and that, I feel, distracts from the power of the piece if not the message.
Thank you for entering. -
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Thank you for your comment ... yes it was my intentions to make it sound mechanical in emotion ... At the point of time I had no emotions to show ... I felt like a robot trapped in a humans body ... It's a working progress ... hopefully when I get it fixed up ... you can see the final draft
ty again
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Not a problem. Of course we'll go through all the entries again once the contest is over and I'll be sure to check on this piece again once you've gotten it spit-shined and polished.
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wow, I love this. It's wonderful. This is very well written and an overall amazing write.
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A 'healthy life'
Um...certainly some satire and sarcasm here, huh? -
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uhhh ... yeah
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Awesome
Vividly matches my feelings today, Hell.. all week. It's amazing what a word bank from my mind and the poetry for yours can do when combined.
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