I confidentially sit with a lush accent, an exotic setting
Who’s a delightful addition to my life, the one to compete
With a strange fervor which is as wrong as tempting
The very same one who’s as shrewder as incomplete
As simply shaped and clear, as dark, dim and peeving.
Who’s impeccable for others, wants my own life back
Worm his way in my spots, revealed for how he’s sly
He’s full of faults for me, still helps me to fill my lack
I believe in myself so I shut the door of that unending vie
I, confused, leave him and go to sleep,
Still I find him there waiting for me
A gust awakening me from my deep,
Thoughts and trailers with which I don’t agree
And the next day has just gone by, here he appears again…
A contest entry
- Write about almost anything you want. by TheDevilInYourHead.
430 points, ended August 23, 2007, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bring on the Outcasts! by masky.
600 points, ended August 17, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My First Contest by unendlichkeit.
380 points, ended September 3, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Shadows by Lilyflowersinspring.
300 points, ended October 23, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Great! Just great!
You know, if I hadn't known the title of the poem, I wouldn't have known you were talking about your shadow.
I have to give you a big high five for your ability to make the reader picture the stanzas with their mind's eye. Absolutely amazing, the way I could imagine everything you wrote about.
My favorite part of the poem would have to be this one:
"With a strange fervor which is as wrong as tempting
The very same one who’s as shrewder as incomplete
As simply shaped and clear, as dark, dim and peeving."
The only suggestion I'd have to make, would be to add an "and" before "dim". Adds orality to the poem...if you get what I mean. I recited it(this is how I read poems), and the "and" just...just wants to be there.
You could also rephrase the last line, like this:
"The next day has just gone by, and there he appears again..."
Otherwise, great poem. Thank you for entering, and good luck!Also, I hope this lengthy poem didn't bore you.
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I confidentially sit with a lush accent, an exotic setting
Who’s a delightful addition to my life, the one to compete
With a strange fervor which is as wrong as tempting
The very same one who’s as shrewder as incomplete
god, this is so breathtaking, the creativity and the imagery along with the gr8 flow, jst awesome.
exellent job as usual partner, i bow before u my lord.
peace
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thks partner, i bow before your comments too.
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