In those brief and hidden gestures
Underneath your calm disguise
I witness raging battles
Forging sadness in your eyes
Amongst the pain and turmoil
and deep uncertainty
Camouflage and safety lie
where you confide in me
But I'm no silent ally
My strength can match your wrath
My hope can feed your armies,
my love will clear your path
Take me with you gentle soldier,
While you wage your untold wars
I'll take up arms beside you,
And tend your wounds, and more,
I'll hold fast my position
Whatever you assign
Raise your flag or arm your troops,
Or die on your front line
If we have to fight forever,
and you fear our strength is gone
I'll find reserves in both our souls
so we can battle on
And if the fighting ever ceases
and the heat of war subsides
peace will never dull the passion
in our poppy-field lives
Author notes
Needs meter, needs better vocab, needs stronger use of war motif, needs fewer boring words. Any advice gratefully received.
My man and I are both having very difficult times at the moment, for very different reasons, but we are trying very hard to hold each other together.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Hi Love boots
Maybe it's just me but I don't see this one as anything to do with wars etc on a world wide scale. I see this as deeply personal and about being an ally in love to your partner or dearest friend. Please tell me if I'm reading this wrong? Also, I don't see anything wrong with it vocab-wise etc. It's a fab write!
-
Lovely!!!!!
This is fantastic. I have this feeling in my chest. This poem made me uneasy because it is so strong and powerful. I wouldn't change a thing about this, I call it perfect, because it is. You have powerful imagery, calling him a soldier, waging wars untold. That is profound & most definately hard hitting. I love this piece. Wish there were 100 more like it my dear. Fantastic!!!!
-
We all have a hard task in learning to (accept?) war and loss. This is a most powerful piece that pulls the reader in to its depths. Don't change anything for me - and stop knocking yourself, you poet, you!
-
I witness raging battles
Forging sadness in your eyes
YES the internal battles can be the most intense of all, and you portayed the imagery so intensely here, you ask of what it needs and all i would say is the end might need improvement, longer extension of the lovely poppy feild metaphor for it had such a build up, anyhey great write you have quite the talent,
W beer and nachoes -jas
-
This was very moving
I really loved this poem. I read it to my daughter-inlaw and as I did it brought a tear to my eye. This one really struck a nerve for me. I hope everything works out for you and your guy.
-
Well, at first, I thought the title fit well, but once you started descbribing war and battles, I thought it lost its meaning. I like the rhyming and the rhythm flowed nicely. And I don't think the vocabulary needs to be improved at all. I liked it very much! Thanks for the read!
Miss Marie
-
-
Hi MIssMarie,
I think perhaps you have misunderstood the title.
AN ally is someone who stands by you, someone who is on your side. Usually connected with war situations. "Allied forces" etc.
Does this help?
LB
x -
-
Well, to be honest, no. I understood the Allied forces part, I think I misread it. Now that I've taken a second look, I can start to see your intention toward the poem. Thanks for the read!
Miss Marie
-
-
-
This is very deep and intense.
My first impression is of the intense feelings behind these words. Emotionally I certainly fee the love and devotion this woman has for her warior lover. I agree that you need to do some work on this, in order not to clutter up this page by repeating what another has already stated I will tell you that I agree with Jonathan Robin, his comments are very much like what I would have said. I felt also that the idea was both sensitive and well written. with changes then it will read in a smoother way. The title is very good for this and the first line makes me want to continue to find out what this will have to offer. The last line is very well said. My favorite part is the fourth verse, I can hear her speak these words to her love.I liked all of this it is good.
-
"Amongst the pain and turmoil
and deep uncertainty
Camouflage and safety lie
where you confide in me"
this speaks volumes. great write!
-
Awesome
I could feel the strong emotion in this poem. I disagree with you on the weaknesses of the poem. I find no weakness. The poem really touched me. Great work, my friend. Shancy Fayre.
-
The beginning of the poem didnt catch my intrest as much as I would have liked. I feel like that weakens the poem, might cause other's to leave prematurly and what a lose on their part that would be. The feeling in this poem grows the further down you read. I got the feeling of a growing love that would hold forever. Personally I feel that you're right on the vocabulary improvements, but if left as is I think it still quite amazing. Well done I really enjoyed reading.
-
Promise...sing
The emotional strength of this composition in no way masks its poetic potential and although in areas the vocabulary could be widened there is IMHO no need to further strengthen what you term the "war motif".
some suggestions :
In those brief
Through those brief
____________
Amongst the pain
Amid the pain
_________
But I'm no silent ally
My strength can match your wrath
My hope can feed your armies,
my love will clear your path
Yet I'm no silent ally
My strength may match your wrath
My hope may feed your armies,
my love must clear your path
--------
And if the fighting ever ceases
and the heat of war subsides
peace will never dull the passion
in our poppy-field lives
Thus when the fighting ever ceases
and the heat of war subsides
peace will never dull the passion
as our happiness abides.
Hoping this comment is construed as constructive criticism
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
