Limerick Chain #66

There once was a contest on AP
just write a Limerick for me
please follow the form
nothing out of the norm
I'll give you my points for free

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The points will come in handy
if you can write me a dandy
so sharpen your mind
inspiration do find
and take home all the candy.

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This is the start of the limerick chain
i hope other people entries are insane
i hope i am doing this right
because i think that i might
i hope some knowledge from this, i will obtain

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I’ll read and weep so very high
compliments to you do apply
reading posts after this
I’ll find nothing to diss
you-- for writing better then I

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But I wrote it anyways
And I’ll always be in a daze
But I found an old pen
And wrote quite a Zen
Even Buddha would give me some praise

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I soon found enlightenment,
from the wine I let ferment,
I took a drink,
and I started to think,
of this limerick i now present.
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I was put in the finals, of course
For the one about me and my horse
Some thought it was true
But would else could I do
Now my husband just wants a divorce
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Well it looks good, I'm single again
I'm hoping to meet, new single friends
All shiny, buffed and tattooed
To get me, into that “mood”
Party hardy, till I get the bends
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All this fun but I just might get sick,
and need advice from a doctor real quick
one who's single and rich
and can cure my new itch.
I will pray that he isn't a prick
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Wow this hospital bores me to tears
And of needles I've so many fears
If you put me to sleep
Then I won't make a peep
I might sleep for the next twenty years

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Sunny Day is going to be quiet?
Now I find that a laughing riot.
If she does take a nap,
gonna give her bra a snap,
punch to jaw, now I'm on a liquid diet.
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There's a man in the room down the hall
who I thinks heading for a big fall
when he picks on big sister
she can turn to her mister
and the whole floor can watch the big brawl.
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They have tossed us all out on our ear
except Brian who landed on his rear
His look of dread.
One more punch to the head.
They all went to have a cold beer.
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We drank beer till we wanted to hurl
then ole Brian caught sight of a girl
his heart did a flutter
he started to stutter
and his walking turned into a twirl
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When she smiled she was missing a tooth
And she looked just like George Herman Ruth
With his bat and his balls
We heard their nature calls
Now Brian brags about ole Babe Ruth

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Though his baseball days are now over
and he lies somewhere under the clover.
He smoked him some pot
before calling his shot.
Now he's some bud in somebody's roller.


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I met a hockey player that said, "puck it'
who still carries his lunch in a bucket
he hates going to work
cuz his boss is a jerk
and he's tempted to just tell him "chuck it".
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The employment line is not so fun
you stand for days straight out in the sun
there will be interesting folk
who will talk when you toke
you'll wish for a life when this is all done
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You're back at home it's time for dinner
your steak served couldn’t be any thinner
your libel to starve
there’s no meat there to carve
wrap it up and mark return this to sender
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I am so hungry I could eat a horse
I'm lucky that I found a recourse
I'll only eat green things
Like those lima bean things
While enjoying some lively discourse
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We talked until three in the morning
Then fell asleep and started snoring.
Woke up and found ten bucks.
On my way to Starbucks.
Now I'm wired and my heart rate's soaring.


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Speeding down the road full of caffeine
Got stopped and I created a scene
Told the cop he's hokie
Now I'm in the pokie
I found the cavity search obscene

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Now you think that I learned my lesson
When I saw that big bottle of Wesson
But the urge was too great
to befriend my cellmate
He's my sweetie if that's what you're guessin'
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My sweet mama paid for my bail
It took a week to read all my mail.
Cellmate sent me some pics.
Poked my eyes with some sticks
and now I can only read in brail.

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Now even my home is a puzzle
with only my hound dog to nuzzle
He licks in a place
that isn't my face
So I think I will buy him a muzzle.
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My two friends have been rather unkind
Their friendship I am so glad to find.
So what do you have next?
Torture me with some text.
Till I slowly start losing my mind.

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Found myself wandering in traffic
In the nude it's quite pornographic
Though it turned lots of heads
Someone called in the Feds
It turned out to be holographic

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I projected my image for them
of my front and my back parts, ahem
when they started to grin
I blushed in chagrin
and said "I hope it's not a problem".
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One detective thought I was so fine.
She wanted to rub on my behind.
Told her that she was rude.
Threw me in with another dude.
Now I need a big bottle of wine.

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I feel like I am back where I started
Bent over with my legs a parted
Cavity search again
You won't hear me complain
This territory's not uncharted

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They've stocked up on Wesson Oil for me
and my cellmate is watching me pee
I just need some quiet
oh no there's a riot
Paris Hilton is on the teevee

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Perhaps I am the man of her dreams
Money from my lawsuits I will gleam.
With Paris on my cot.
Man that is really hot.
I will gladly take one for the team.

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You see what these girls have done to me
We say here it is, French say voici
A challenge you wanted
We are quite undaunted
Now you have mama laughing with glee

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She says, son you can't win against them.
Remember your sister's a real gem
and the blonde aint so bad
if you don't make her mad
Darlin', they are the creme de la creme

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Poor Brian was stuck in the middle
Have them fooled so much I just giggle
I take what your given.
Just two feisty women.
I'm playing you just like a fiddle.

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Deaf, dumb and blind I am still laughing
and my blood pressure's sphymographing
Though I'm not at my best
With good friends I am blessed
It's too soon to be epitaphing

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Now I can't dress myself anymore.
With big words my friend goes overboard.
When I have bad grammar.
For me its the slammer
but with no clothes I get my own floor.

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The word visit they can't find a rhyme
Maybe we don't want to waste our time
Visiting the slammer
Just to hear you stammer
The pay phone is no longer a dime.

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Sis just brought you a roll of quarters
to return those calls from reporters
Paris Hilton was sad
cuz the sex was so bad
now Brian's received marching orders
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Poor Brian's been screwed, glued and tatooed.
And the two sisters are in a mood.
Can't help it if aunt Flow
comes to visit our show.
You all are a funny menstrual brude.

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Now I know I have gone and done it
I changed B's first line a little bit
The syllables now work
He might call me a jerk
Because grammar police never quit

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Men can't handle the menstrual thing
and the hormone imbalace it brings
but it provides an excuse
when the demons are loose
and the tears in our eyes start to sting

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Now if men were the ones to give birth
Can appreciate more of your worth.
I see what you go through.
but what am I to do.
God made that happen here on this Earth.

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I see we've gone out of turn again
It's the only way that Brian can win
if Scott gives him a break
a bronze he might take
cuz he'll never best this blonde Bruin

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This abuse does not make him bitter.
Because I've never been a quitter.
I've shown no resistance
to all your persistance
because I'm the pick of the litter.

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So we will go on having our fun
until Griswold decides we are done
adding on to our rhyme
doesn't take too much time
So come on and jump in everyone.

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When the summer doldrums confound us
And our bodies are in heat distress
To the ocean we go
Catch a wave and say whoa
Hanging ten with a little finesse

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Brian likes to hang out in the gulf
Underwater he looks like an elf
Trolling sharks smell his ass
Said one female, with sass,
"I think I'll keep him for myself"
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He's become Mrs. Shark's new playmate
Never know about the Jaws of fate.
You know that bite of hers
hurts less than those of yours.
I will ask her for another date.

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A mermaid named Ariel caught my eye
As my little dinghy sailed on by
My rope fell kind of short
But she's such a good sport
She was willing to give me a try

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As fishy as this story might sound
a true romance can never be found.
In love with another.
and I'm not her brother.
And Ariel can't stand on the ground.

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For me no more chicken of the sea 
Cuz a beautiful woman loves me
And my sisters are blessed
with true love in their nest
Friendly rivalry; no jealousy

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Time to get this short ditty on track.
Bring it on and I'll keep coming back.
Hey I love my momma.
You can if you wanna
for twenty bucks and a cold six pack.

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Now Brian may have gone way too far
So he spends his time out in the bar
His momma's a cutie
except when she's nudie
At 2 a.m. anyone's a star

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He spots a girl who's quite a looker.
You thought I would call her a hooker.
But this girl had some class.
"Keep out" etched on her ass.
So I stole her George Foreman cooker.

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She chased me as I ran out the door
Went from zero to sixty in four
No more jail time for me
Returned the grill quickly
Went to get my own down at the store

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When I got there I found them on sale,
So I bought one, then had a cocktail.
I'll invite my best friends;
see where this day ends.
How much work will this party entail?

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When I grilled up the veggies and steaks.
They made me desert for goodness sakes.
Sisters brought them to me.
What is this that I see?
Why do they say blue urinal cakes?

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Now they laugh while my mouth is all blue
So I rinse it out with a cold brew
But my stomach it aches
From those urinal cakes
Do you see what a brother goes through

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My little bro is starting to whine.
Go kiss his little brother behind.
Why he shot me the bird,
without even a word.
Evil smile, what could be on his mind?


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My sister thinks she is wicked smart,
and she knows the way into my heart.
She has dealt with the loon;
I'll be warm very soon,
And this family's best times will then start.

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Now this mushy stuff simply must cease.
Little sis you must first ask me please.
You having a moment?
You pretty blonde poet.
Two hair colors, you really must tweeze.

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Little sister brought into the mix
You best be ready to take your licks
To piss two women off
See that watering trough
It's the deep six for you, me predicts

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We just filled it all up with cement
to repair the  front walkway pavement
we'll supervise and cheer
while enjoying a cold beer
as our brother begins to repent.

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Brian's muscles and aching and sore
Drank it all, no more beer left to pour.
With a smile and a wink.
They said, "We need a drink".
So I walked my tired ass to the store.

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Cussing them all the way down the road
they were talking 'bout "heart of a toad"
she won't get in their way
because today is the day
they'll give her what she's really owed.

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Brian bought his two sisters some beer