A shiver of curses swimming through your hair
A swarm of memories clouds like a pixelated halo
A devil who dances dreams of love
A smile in disguise, malice covered lips
A mile of darkness, encasing the lost
And I thought I could see...
The visions are torn down with ravenous claws so appealing
Skies fall asunder and vent their filth in the bedsheet that suffocates
I'll tear your pretty eyes
Lest they uncover my shame
You are dressed in the wings of a heartbreaker
And clothed in a shroud of beauty
Thank you for a thousand moments of perfection
Traded easily for a thousand years of solitude
Clichés come easily but never suffice
I'll whisper through your dreams forever
I kneel and pray with tears
But you are forsaken by your own hand
I sink easily through a transparent sea of bitter thoughts
Choke me on the cold hands of denial and warm me in hopelessness
A symphony of cigarettes
Cold hands and petite kisses
A vast, lonely, unwashed sky
You, slurring through the rain (unintentionally towards me)
A downpour of notes mirrors your thoughts and crushes me
A torrent of glances shred me to a silhouette
A sleep, a sleep I lay me down for
Your eyes are maybes
Irrelevancies in the darkness
My touch is tasteless, yours is inanimate
You flicker- and change- in the shadow before the lightening splits the sky
My heart is in my mouth and I'm begging you to swallow it up
An automated printout to blackandwhite the statistics of these lives
And record our last seconds passing
A piece of paper could never miss you.
My first piece to be posted in a long time. ie a few years. therefore if anyone feels like promoting this in any way, i'd really appreciate it. i guess my readership may have dwindled.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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WOW...what a piece of metaphoric magic with vivid imagery and powerful language. A downpour of notes mirrors your thoughts and crushes me
A torrent of glances shred me to a silhouette
A sleep, a sleep I lay me down for
Your eyes are maybes
Irrelevancies in the darkness
My touch is tasteless, yours is inanimate
I love all of it, but this is brillant. Write more, post more...your too talented not to.
Thanks for sharing.
Shelly -
Wow! What an enjoyable read. I Loved your way of writing! For the criticism part; I guess I had a hard time following all the way through. I think it should have been "tightened up" somehow.
All in all, a great work and alot of great lines!
"A symphony of cigarettes"
"My touch is tasteless, yours is inanimate"
"A shiver of curses swimming through your hair"
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love "a symphony of ciggarettes" and "my touch is tasteless"
"slurring through the rain" is gold.
over all the poem kind of confuses me, but there are a LOT OF great lines in there. maybe a bit less rambly.... i feel like you're going in too many directions at once here.
however, i really enjoyed reading it, especially for the lines mentioned and others. good work!
. Rewarded 6
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Wow
Really well written. Great imagery. My favorite part was:
I'll tear your pretty eyes
Lest they uncover my shame
You are dressed in the wings of a heartbreaker
And clothed in a shroud of beauty
Simply stunning. Great work, and best of luck in your writing future.
. Rewarded 6
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Poet
I think you knock em dead with this one. A classic and brilliant
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What a poem!
How very tangible the imagery is!!
Galaxy2 -
wonderfully written!
This write was like eye/mind candy. (it kept me wanting more). There were some verses in here that I found to be so eloborate, ad filled with such
imagery,"Your eyes are maybes
Irrelevancies in the darkness." That is pure genius and beauty . Every verse in fact was just power housed with such emotion...... A truly elegant masterpiece that i will read again!!!( I have a lot to learn)
excellent write an thank you for sharing
keep the pen flowing!!!
. Rewarded 8
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Lovely indeed! Welocme back to AP!
This write is one of the most longing peices that I have read in a while around here. I was captured by your nearly tangeble emotions, and the deep sence of loss. A vivid image of a sucking whrilpool with a tiny piece of driftwood arose by the end of my readings.
One of the things that I did notice was that both in line 15 and 19 you used the word 'easily'. They are close enough together there that I found that it read a little choppy. The second could be changed to 'serenely', or 'effortlessly', or any other number of things. Thats my one critical comment.
Again, well done, and truely a peice that should be focused and doted on!
Cheers,
Burmina
. Rewarded 8
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Well Done
It is sad that you have let your writing die down. You obviously are feeling more in the mood again so I hope to see a lot more from you soon. This poem is interesting and well written. I think after reading it a couple of times, the meaning it holds sinks in. It is deep and meaningful. Thanks for sharing it.
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i'm speechless
this is the best piece i've read in a while. if you don't have a book written already, u should. your words are like a melody to my ears. this was truly beautiful, i'm sure as beautiful as the subject of the poem.
. Rewarded 4
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Congratulations on refinding your voice and posting here again. It has been a while since I ready any of your poetry. Lots of memories in these lines, Could be the break up of a marriage, the paper that says it is all over, or pictures that replay some of the happier times that are only bits and pieces of life the way it used to be. A sad write; one filled with pain; these memories will always be part of you, no matter what has happened since then. Keep writing.
. Rewarded 8
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Really beautiful!
There is so much elaborate imagery here, its beazutiful. Please do keep wriitng and posting, you're amazing!
. Rewarded 4
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I really like this. It's very dark but there are many great images in it. Some of my favorite lines were
"You are dressed in the wings of a heartbreaker
And clothed in a shroud of beauty"
and
"Your eyes are maybes "
Also, the ending was great. Very powerful, and that's good because a good ending is often what the reader remembers the best. The title seems to fit well too - the "untitled" bit makes me think of uncertainty and perhaps indifference, which are feelings I got from some of the poem's lines.
By the way, how come you haven't been around lately?
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