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Spying on Angels

Though angels claim they are exempt
I saw it in their eyes—contempt
And dancing in that summer rain
they bled their song—a sweet refrain

"As fires of hell below consume
and earthly realms drip red in doom
still skies weave joy on heaven's loom
to form the new Elysium"

But even naked, dancing there
behind their song I felt despair
--beneath their bodies drenched in rain
these angels harbored hidden pain

First spotted with my voyeur's eye
I feel the flaws angels deny
It's burning, burning at their core
--still in the rain they sing once more

"Elysium was lost to time
with Ludwig's Ninth and Schiller's rhyme
but now again it is reborn
behind the light this sacred morn

Though no one whispered of the cost
all were aware of what was lost
for even with the Earthly flames
no shadow of the first remains"

But as the storm comes to a stop
from angel's eyes the rains still drop
no longer held back by their pride
They know mankind has looked inside

I wonder just how long they lied
and held the tears now freely cried
How long had imperfection been
within the angels sent to men

Not that anyone should care
about how long they felt despair
It's been deception all along
revealed in verses of their song

"Elysium had bore a son
and on that day the earth begun
and on that day creation fell
and it falls still—aimed strait for hell

Millennia have come and past
-Elysium just couldn't last
it faded as mankind rose high
and placed themselves above the sky

And in the New Elysium
now as the fires of hell consume
We cry for what mankind defaced
Elysium can't be replaced."

Author notes

I read the rules

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18
  • Poemdancer
    August 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful write!! Strong, vivid, descriptive. I love your word choice, and your rhyming is not forced, but smootha nd perfect. Great write, keep up the excellent wring, and thank you for entering my contest!


    • Intravenous Jesus
      August 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much! I wrote this a while ago, and I always knew it was worthy of a gold, but until now all I could get with it was two HM's


  • Lauren Noir
    August 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is fantastic
    The body was flawless, it really flowed well and kept going with the story well
    It really worked all together

    I loved the title, I loved the verses and the aftertaste was amazement

    I really liked this, trully

    The imageary was amazing, I was drooling over the keyboard

    Well done, I loved this
    Good luck
    Thanks for entering


  • God is my reality
    August 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is definately different. Excellent job. I really like it a lot. Nice rythm, and excellent imagery. Good luck in the contest


  • GreenKat92
    August 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "from angel's eyes the rains still drop"

    oh wow- this has great imagry!!! i can see why it's your favorite!! I love how you keep a story line in the poem, and yet still keep in rythem!! great job!!

    much luv~
    kitty


  • Riftkin gold member
    August 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "Elysium had bore a son
    and on that day the earth begun
    and on that day creation fell
    and it falls still—aimed strait for hell


    makes you wonder what would have happen if she had a daughter

    Riftkin

    • Intravenous Jesus
      August 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Elysium did have a daughter. Here's a quote from Ludwig's ninth symphony: Freude, schöner Götterfunken/ Tochter aus Elysium! *translation*(Joy, beautiful spark of the gods/ Daughter of Elysium) The original german ode was written by Friedrich Schiller and set to music by Beethoven. Thus the line "Elysium was lost to time/with Ludwig's ninth and Schiller's rhyme"


  • hilly
    August 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    An unusually original piece considering the AABB rhyme and 4 line stanzas. I'm impressed by that. But aside from that, just looking at the poem, it's not up with some of the amazing entries in this contest.

    AABB rhyme is a killer. You were doomed from the beginning.


  • Ale E
    July 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I liked this a lot. My writing style is very similar to yours and I know how tricky it can be to tell a story while trying to rhyme and such. Very nicely done. Nice choice of words and an interesting message. Thank you for entering my contest and I wish you the best of luck.


  • Wrozes Thorne
    July 31, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, that was amazing!


  • CarCrashHumor
    July 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    you're very good at rhyme.



    it's just not my style though, and I'm trying to ween the contest down to my very favorites. [it's taking a while though with pieces like this, where I can tell the poet is talented....]


  • WarrioroftheHeart gold member
    July 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Nice rhythm and rhyme, very well done. An interesting story, very readable. You have every reason to be proud of this one. I liked reading it very much.


  • poet2angels gold member
    July 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow...Excellent rhyme and power in this...Flow is wonderful!

    Lynda


  • Dark Angel Reborn
    July 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I liked this..it was really really good. Your flow was right on and it was very descriptive...although...i did feel my mind wondering some toward the end...hrm...

    Really good job though, thanks for entering my contest and bessssst of luck to you!


  • My Darkness
    July 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, some of those lines were just brilliant... however you haven't followed my only rule... great write, nonetheless, thanks for entering and good luck to you!

1 - 18 of 18