as it stands, with the past as a guide,
the future a bronco we all must ride,
and the oceans dying with every tide,
i think things will end with another bad lie.
the ozone will falter, the food disappear,
the people, most starving, will take rage from fear,
and no one will care just why we are here,
instead battling daily for one loaf or ear.
the rich will enslave us, and wrap us in wire,
and only the wealthy will be free from the fire.
God in his mercy may hold back his ire,
but all of the rest of us will slacken and tire.
hope will burn bright in the minds of some men,
who will then disappear, never heard from again.
most will just struggle, and kill, flee, or starve,
while those on the top will control as they harm,
the hopeful, blind millions, so easily led,
and following blindly until all men are dead.
the Earth will move forward as always it must,
just another dead shadow full of nuclear dust.
ocerus
A contest entry
- In the year 2107... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
425 points, ended July 8, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - THE END by frozenblackpetals.
550 points, ended May 11, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I loved the rhyming. really great flow. very impactufl and powerful. thanks so much for entering!!
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a life of survival interesting poem?
So you like this poem i hope and i know i like it explains stuff that other people wouldn't know in the world unless they read this one poem because they have probably lived in a secure and safe place for a very long time thank you i appreciated the song by Sakura Avalon
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The way you have woven this piece together with emotions stitched with a poetic thread is commendable however I found your poem to be a bit jerky in rhythm and some of the rhyming seems forced, but it carries strong emotion and wonderful meaningful thought.. This poem has good originality but fails to evoke emotion or make a consistent statement. I find myself being led but not disappointed with the destination. A good attempt requiring some refinements.
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This is very well written
Let us hope it does not happen...
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Awesome write
This is excellent and so visionary for the wealthy have always stayed on top and there has always been slaves they just call it a different name now and yes I do see a world war with man against man and when the fires reach its peak even the rich will see his rath
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Jeez! And I thought I wrote some depressing shizit! lol
I liked the last two lines best and enjoyed the poem overall. Here are just a few things that distracted me a little -
1. The total lack of capitalization. I try to stay as close to natural language in my poems, and natural punctuation. Just a personal preference.
In the 1st stanza, the words "another bad lie" isn't an accurate rhyme, and "bad" is too generic. The line is too long in comparison with the others, too.
In the 2nd stanza, I didn't get "will take rage from fear", and "one loaf or ear" just sounded funny. I assume you're referring to an ear of corn but it sounded strange and seems like a lazy rhyme for fear. i.e., for lack of a better word.
Loved this line -
hope will burn bright in the minds of some men,
who will then disappear, never heard from again.
But ending the stanza with "harm" doesn't rhyme close enough with "starve". The stanza in general changes rhyme structure. Up until this stanza, the last words of every line rhymed. Now the first two rhymes have a different rhyme sound than the second two, which throws off the rhythm. The same is true of the final stanza.
I think if you matched the rhyme pattern in the last two stanzas with the rest of the poem, it would improve it a lot. It's hard to rhyme four lines in a row without sounding like a nursery rhyme. The content must be very dramatic and profound. You've done that here in most cases but missed slightly in the ones noted above. (In my humble opinion.)
Overall, your ability to draw a vivid picture and write profoundly on large subjects is evident here as always.
Take care,
Mark
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the Earth will move forward as always it must,
just another dead shadow full of nuclear dust.
Humm you are very intriguing in the concept here.. you made me to think..this is a wonderful thought shown here..thank you so mcuh such a special entry in this contest my friend...
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The title is an effective introduction,the rhyme scheme is slightly compromized perhaps within the fourth line of the first stanza,not a criticism but a humble opinion,the reader tentatively suggests this only for the poet to ponder and decide,bearing in mind the reader cannot rhyme herself without commiting a crime!The poet makes several pertinent points within his creativity re the catastrophic effects of global warming and foolish,foolish is the richest man who adds to global warming for a fistful of dollars for all the bullion in Fort Knox cannot be exchanged for what cannot be bought,if crops cannot be grown,if landmass is reclaimed by the sea,if the air is no longer able to sustain us but is a health hazard then what may the rich man buy?The reader agrees the poorest will suffer first and foremost as in the areas decimated by tsunamis,those with planes may fly away from the problems and disacciate themselves from blame but for every action there is a reaction and for inaction there is a reaction within the balance of nature.The reader has long been mystified by the billions of dollars spent on trips to the moon with the agenda of populating it when it cannot sustain life,in effect all they may achieve is a larger scale Centre Parc's scheme whereby humans live within a dome,but without energy sources,without a way to grow food,without a means of any of the things we take for granted all resources would have to be harvested from earth,which takes huge reserves of energy and if earth is barren due to neglect what could be transported?There are those with myopia that may be aided by wearing spectacles and those with myopia that spectacles could not help and it is these people that will make a spectacle of our planet.A thought provoking write and pertinent to us all to ponder how we may avoid this devastation which is inevitable if we don't think and behave constructively.
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Heavy Stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is some heavy duty thought provoking material man!!!You really deserve the gold for this one!!! No one knows where this world will end up as to what direction it will ultimately go in. But I do know where my hope lies, it lies in the fact that good will prevail over evil, light over darkness, though we may have to endure it for a season, ultimate we will prevail over all enemies if we follow the path of the Lord. This is a great piece and very well written I might add!!!Thanks for sharing!!!~~Toni!!
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I like the point of this poem,
It's very sad,
Sayin' that for those who will continually follow, will be lead into death,
It's very powerful,
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