Back then I couldn't tell you how I felt.
I wasn't in your little social clique.
We learned to play the hands that we were dealt.
You were the queen, and I was just a freak.
But high school ends, and once you graduate,
The things that meant so much don't mean a thing.
You go to college, meet new friends and date.
The slings and arrows lose their former sting.
We grew apart, we went our separate ways.
You married, mothered, then got your divorce.
And now you sit alone on rainy days
abandoned, helpless, shackled with remorse.
Back then, I couldn't break through my reserve,
To say "You only get what you deserve."
A contest entry
- Take this Line and RUN! by DareU2Byourself.
800 points, ended July 16, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Outstanding
But years later we can still have our revenge as you have here lol... This poem is cynical with a nice twist at the end. The rhyme is unerring and very fluid. You manage to combine humour and rhyme together with effortless ease. Well-written and engaging.
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I love irony… I think it works even better when people don’t get it¡! (LOL) Peter Sellers swore that ‘My Old Dutch’ the mawkishly sentimental song, was in fact ironic… oh how I do hope so. Oh and I think you would need at least a dozen clichés before many people plucked up the courage to mention it – more lol. Despite the ironic there is quite a pointed message of perspective in the conclusion.
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It's a bit cliched...filled with phrases like "slings and arrows" ... "hands we are dealt". While not bad in themselves, it takes away from the originality.
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Why did you stop with those two? "Shackled with remorse" and "You only get what you deserve" are cliches, as well.
Generally I don't have to explain irony on this site, but I appreciate your reading my poem.
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Hm... It confused me a little because it ended with a different feeling than I expected it to. It is a very beautiful write, though, and I love that you said "We learned to play the hands that we were dealt," though I think there are many who don't learn. I really enjoyed the other stanzas, too. So thanks for sharing and thanks for entering the contest. Best wishes. Take care.
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Yes, I know it's not likely to win a contest, but I wanted to try a different take on the prompt, something other than "I couldn't say 'I love you,' then, but now we can find our true love happiness forever," etc.
I'm pleased that you kept the standard expectation to the end, because that does tell me that I succeeded in setting the scene for the final twist.
Thank you for the inspiration, I had fun with this.
-Epistomolus
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