With breath tasting of almonds,
she spoke of Brahman and angels.
Her vicinity left virginity strangled.
Not that I hadn't had sex
under my boots before.
That and more
have the soles of my feet explored
in my time time walking over,
but hers was the first body to wrap around mine when I was sober.
Just the facts, ma'm,
climax,
and it was over.
I could have whispered lots of promises into her ear with her head resting on my shoulder,
but I make none I can't keep.
Her heaven weeps.
I should have told her.
Basically, taste of me,
I heard her say, gracefully.
Her space crawled away from me,
chased by the fate of we,
I suppose.
But putting a close to the paths we chose
left paragraphs gasping, collapsed in repose.
Naught has left me fettered as the faith I had in her.
So I shook the shackles and her silence cackled as if to say "concur".
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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good one!
This is absolutely astonishing!! I love the images that were bound tightly in a beautiful frame. They spoke to my body, mind, and soul....
I also love how the poem was pieced together. My eyes joyfully sensitized each and every word as I read it....
I am a very empathetic person, so each poem that I read, I can feel. I felt absolute accomplishment of taking my time to read this poem...
Great Job!!
Cith...
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Tell me why
I can read what pours from you and understand as if it were written by my sleeping mind? Why do you speak as if you could see into the depths of me and enjoy what you find there? It is not always sex that we speak of but innocence and purity of another sort all together. If her silence speaks so loudly on just one word maybe the fate of we is nothing but a dream glimpsed through motes of dust stirred by the footsteps of the chase.
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A fun read and great poem
That is all
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Promise...sing
The juxtaposition of virginity and vicinity have drawn conflicting reviews and as the third voice venturing to vouchsafe valuable verification versus verse valediction the arbitrage is in favour of dianabluelove's comment ... adding here that the use of do/did is generally more an instrument aiming at filling in syllables than heightening effect.
One therefore questions the overall alliteration wondering whether this is more an experiment, an excerise in style, than a spontaneous reflection of authentic emotion.
As in the virginity line are you certain of the sense of the final line - or would you concur that both the final word and the title might be reexamined ?
Hoping this is construed as constructive criticism ... -
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Sure it was constructive, if not a little tongue in cheek. I changed the virginity line because of something with syllables or something. Whatever you were talking about.
However I didn't count syllables in this, nor did I purposely use alliteration at any point. My other junk is stylistic practice, mostly: wordplay, excersize of device, etc. I use them to prepare for something like this that is genuinely resonant to the point that it's biographical. That's why the last line would remain the same. I can't imagine why I should change it.
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Your choice of words is inspiring - as well as the alliteration that you tinge upon throughout your piece - "virginity" and "vicinity" is one that I enjoyed. There is an air of real truth in this piece - the allusions are personal and intimate. Well done to you. Thank you. Anthony.
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I really, really like this. I rarely look at poems sent via group IM but you got my attention with what you asked of us But I don't think you're wrong, this is good. I love the imagery, how it sounds, and its flow, though in some places it felt kind of forced. For example, in this line
"chased by the fate of we"
It just sounds like you're trying too hard to rhyme, but you have otherwise rhymed so well that one line shouldn't matter. I think it would read much better if you said, "chased by our fate".
Also, perhaps I didn't understand the message correctly but I thought this line:
"My virginity her vicinity did strangle."
would be more logical as
"Her vicinity my virginity did strangle."
I may be wrong, but while I understand how her vicinity could strangle your virginity (making you want her, etc), I don't grasp how it could go the other way around.
Otherwise, I love this poem. It tells a story, uses melodic sounds, and good poetic devices all at the same time. This captured me from the first line. Wish I could point out some favorite lines, but I can't because I liked most of them.
~Diana
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