I'll runaway to find you
Dreaming one day you'll come back
Praying to God in heaven it might happen soon
My guilt consumes me
My confusion scares me
I'm missing you, needing you
Hold onto me baby doll.
Never let me go
I'm scared I might fall
I live in a haze, everything feels like a dream
Someone wake me
I'm tired of this pain
Everything has gone blurry
And I can't see you anymore.
Let me go, dear one
And I swear I'll die
Then she'll carry my fallen body back to you
You'll realize you've won.
Lay my body high
Cover me in diamonds
And the blue and pink roses
Covered with the thorns.
Let me burn, let the fire roar.
Don't cry for me baby,
This is not the end
Don't cry for me honey,
It doesn't hurt anymore
Don't cry for me love,
'Cause I can't feel a thing.
Author notes
It's the first in a while so it's not that good but tell me what you think!! Don't be afarid to be cruel or constructive I dont mind.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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its good i liked it
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Hmm, nicely done for a warm up poem, so to speak. ^.^
I did enjoy this poem and the tones within it. However, while you made efficient use of punctuation and line breaks, I didn't really get a flow to this poem. Some lines were choppy and ineffective, while at the same time, your final lines were dead on and perfect to end.
On these words,
Everythings gone
you should have an apostrophe in there...
here,
sware
should be swear.
Now, other than that, I did notice that this whole poem is you speaking somewhat metaphorically to someone else, but then here,
Then she'll carry my fallen body back to you
You'll realize you won.
You do two things that slightly confused me.
In the first, you introduced another person, which you never explained at all. I assumed that this person you love is in love with this other person, but that's only hearsay. So, that was sort of random. As for the second part,
You'll realize you won,
that should be 'you'll realize you've won."
and also, it doesn't make sense because this is all about someone having to let you go, and you begging them not to cry, but what would lead us to believe that they wanted this in the first place? That confused the message of the poem, for me.
Well, I hope that this was helpful!
Sli
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CRUEL? NOT
This is superb. You need to keep that pen a movin and write some more awesome pieces. A poet is a terrible thing to waste! sweet
POETDONTKNOWIT
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I wasn't sure I was gonna like it when I first clicked on it... but I gotta say I frickin love it. Every line. It's brilliant. ♥
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Okay
I liked the first half. Then something was lost in the middle. Although i cant point it out. Maybe the last line could go. It seems too much to continue. Leaving it with it doesnt hurt anymore works for me. Nice idea.
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