A soft rose beautiful and bright
A painful sound bleeds into the night
Sinful whsipers cloud my mind
Screams remind me I am out of time
A soft rose from which one petal falls
I cannot mask the horror which I saw
Taking my breath with each little cry
It's harder than hell to say my goodbye
I clutch my rose and hold it tight
It's my own painful sob bleeding into the night
I play your memeory like a broken song
For you were my rose all along
~Devin Cora
Author notes
I wrote this about an ex after our break up but I am not going to say the ex;s name...they know who they are!!!
Just be brutally honest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Wow very Impactual!
Well this is just grande! Someone seen through rose coloured glasses is a thought which springs to mind when I read this!
Lovely powerful emotive peice of work excellently and graphically presented amidst superb descriptives, and full of hit and flowing right into the readers mind to stay forever, lovely work.
Hope you are in print, you sure should be.
Well done on this one! Love it!
Poetic Hugs,
Kaz xx
Kazytc
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Aw, I love this. It reminds me a lot of my favorite style, I'm sure you can see the resemblence between our poetry forms, lol. This was beautifully written, I loved how you just captured the reader's mind right from the start. Bravo.
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This is a beautiful piece, and really sad too! So well written, with a great flow! A lot of wonderful lines; creating something sweet filled with sorrow... "I clutch my rose and hold it tight
It's my own painful sob bleeding into the night"
Good job! -
Gorgeous poem!! I remember you letting me read this at your house... can't remember who you said it was for. But i love it all the same! Lovely poem, wonderfully done, congratufuckinglations on another masterpiece!!
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Well DC, I have some experience with AABB poetry and can say with some assurance the following.
The meter is good, you must have a musical ear. Nice beat.
The theme is common enough that many can relate.
May I suggest for the next AABB poem you write to choose a more unique metaphor as roses, bleeding and night are done to death.
One word of experience...the more heartfelt the topic the less bouncy rhyme there should be. Try freeverse or ABABBA and you will find the emotion more defined.
Also...if the author needs to explain how it was written or why or what the poem is about, the poem isn't clear enough.
Just a few thoughts.
-df-
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MOST DEFINATELY
put it in the book... i like you... you have a way with your words that makes people see what you feel... great job -
I like this alot. the ryhme scheme is simple yet so effective and it keeps a steady pase(pace even? i dunno im tired>.<)The idea of the rose seems pretty cliched, but here its used perfectly. everything gets ropunded up with those last two lines, they are infact 'killer'.
although whsipers should be whispers
other than that pefrect=]
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Wow!
Very good! I really liked the 2 last lines, line 7 though I didn't really get but other wise it is a great poem!
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So, you want brutal honesty? Are you sure? I can be brutal. However, this hardly needs it. It is a beautiful poem in many ways. However, there are a few problems with it. I do not comment much on subject, but I can point out a few things about structure and grammar. So...here goes.
"A painful soud bleeds into the night" Should this be "sound"? And the next line: whispers.
"I cant mask the horror from which I saw" can't is the correct word here, but given the formality of some of the wording, I would not use any contractions, but rather the word "cannot". And, lose the from; from implies that the horror originates somewhere, but you do not say from where. So, you do not need it.
"Its harder than hell to say my goodbye" Again, the proper contraction is "It's". I also suggest losing the "my" in this line; unless you pluralize "goodbye", which I would not suggest do to rhyming scheme.
"Its my own painful sob bleeding into the night" And yet, "It's" is needed. Or, you could go with "'Tis" (do not forget the apostrophe), in keeping with the formal tone.
There are a few typos, which I corrected.
So, it is going to look like this:
A soft rose beautiful and bright
A painful sound bleeds into the night
Sinful whispers cloud my mind
Screams remind me I am out of time
A soft rose from which one petal falls
I cannot mask the horror which I saw
Taking my breath with each little cry
It's harder than hell to say goodbye
I clutch my rose and hold it tight
'Tis my own painful sob bleeding into the night
I play your memory like a broken song
For you were my rose all along
Please bear in mind that these are suggestions, which you are welcome to use, or ignore.
Thank you for sharing.
rous -
This is very deep.But I like it a lot.Good job.
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Very good using a flower as metaphor for a relationship. Feelings blossom much the same way and if not cared for properly wilt and die. I thought i spotted a couple of spelling errors ... soud (did you mean soul) and reath (did you mean breath) otherwise excellent! Keep writing!
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A soft rose beautiful and bright
A painful soud bleeds into the night
Sinful whsipers cloud my mind
Screams remind me I am out of time
my favorite line in the poem short and sweet and i lvoed the rthyme scheme and yeah "simply put goodby" was a free write loved how you convey emtion and you didn't waste anytime it was perfect length really conveyed your emtions -
again, great raw emotion
I love how you show her misery with the rose, for instance-
'A soft rose from which one petal falls'
the pain she is going through is unbareable and she is almost at her breaking point.
This is so sad, beautiful, and heartfelt. Again, I thankyou for gracing Allpoetry.com with your talent.
much luv~
kitty
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Wooooooooooooooooooooah!!!
You blew me away!!! Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, just like a rose itself!!! I saw a few typos here and there, but they didn't take away from the beauty of this piece. I hope if you don't mind me bookmarking this for later reading! ^^
Keep on writing!
Always,
Cassie
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This poem is beautiful. A great expressed.
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