Bulging eyes
Disfigured nose
Stumpy Fingers
Thin lips
Her mirror reflects her greatest fear.
the unwanted, filthy mongrel.
The lonely beast.
As the towns cockroach.
her higness wears elegant clothes
with emeralds and rubies
stuck all over her shell.
She is no spring fawn.
Nope.
Fear from the
Condescending eyes.
of her looking glass never slumbers.
She faces it like a woman.
Unphased on the front
and frightened in the back.
She comes out
on her holiday
every Halloween,
I make Cinderella a Creep.
Author notes
I used the following words. Cinderella, creep, emerald, slumber, disfigure, genetic, fawn, Halloween,beast, mongrel,and cockroach.-------I have never written anything like this, and feel like it needs some work. let me know of your suggestions please, i need them.
2nd draft!!
3rd draft!!
A contest entry
- highbrow cinderellas by slaughter.
300 points, ended August 27, 2007, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I like this because it isn't a pretty story, by any means, and i think it's easy to relate to. The first person i thought of is my boss who obsseses over her looks while trying to seem like she's above such ordinary concerns. She's trying desperately to cling to her materialism when she clearly doesn't have the means. haha, maybe i'm reading into this too personally, but it's what makes me like this.
I personally think this poem is still a little too literal, even with the cockroach symbolism, but that may just be my own taste and bias. i would prefer instead of saying her kindom spits in her eyes, jeer at her, describe how they do so. That's just me.
Lizbian
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Wow, this one was very creative I liked the part where you said that her Holiday was Holloween. Very funny poem you have here. I love people's poems when they have a far-fetched imagination. It sounds like in the last few lines like you created her to be that way. I bet that you did, good job. Very creative poem. Keep them coming.
Juarez -
I liked it lots!!!
I only have one suggestion,
to cut out this part:
"She is the towns cockroach.
The cockroach with emeralds and rubies
all over her shell."
or change it into something else
like:
"The town sees nothing in her
except the emeralds and rubies"
(I know that isn't good)
But the reason I'd do that is because
the first time you used the word cockroach
it brought a great stronge image in mind,
one that stuck, and the second time
it loosened that other image.
Also, I'd change the font, it looks goofy
next to the natural colored background.
The idea behind this is great though!!!
You have the beginnings of something great!
peace to all ~flight
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its very descriptive and gives an interesting twist to a subject that most people think of as beautiful,its always fun to change things around and take a different perspective.the main things i noticed that may change a bit are her and fear are used quite often,whereas they could be substituted or condensed,ex bulging eyes and disfigured nose,with stumpy fingers and thin lips,but i like it,keep up the good work!
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muy bueno/freaky-o
wow.
this is intense.
and awesome in the Xtreme...
but its mightily freaky/scary/creepy/screepy as well.
but cool in the same mo. lol. im a weird thinker. but i adore this poem.
wow.
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thanks alot i am glad you liked it, its nothing like i have ever written before. so i am glad it turned out good.
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