another winter’s night. somewhere
from my insides a moan
slips. so clumsily,
I call your name.
I, who only wanted to lay my voice
against your mouth, in the lasting
orgasm of your breath,
softer, drowsier than wind
through a flute,
sit with the thin notes of silence,
abandoned by the song,
and my voice, I see, is something
that keeps slipping past
your mouth
In a list
A contest entry
- What is your emptiness? by tara wilson.
900 points, ended July 13, 2007, 22 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Sensual and very astute...
Focus so intently given to communication
between lovers, or the lack there of.
The imagery given blends perfectly to note.
Blue
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incredibly beautiful. the image of "wind through a flute," delicate breathy... hollow. the description is gorgeous and evocative, never thought of the notes of a flute as drowsy before and yet it fits perfectly, the "thin notes of silence," to "lay my voice against your mouth"... wow.
always stumble a little over "so clumsily," which serves to reinforce the content, this clumsy sequence of breath and sound slipping out.
not so sure about the ending, the "voice... past his mouth" just seems like a weaker rehash of earlier lines, and perhaps that's the point, left with a feeble shadow of what she wants, but something about the weak structure, "and my voice, I see, is..." makes it a disappointing ending to an otherwise amazing poem. -
Well, my head is empty. I'm running out of adjectives?!! What else do yuo want?!! I wanna cry my lady... stunning!
Candy
[don't mind the 3 applauses AP's mad for keeping only 3 for poets like you]
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Thank you... and don't you cry too.. I've cried enough for both of us this last year!
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this is beautiful work thanks for sharing it with me
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Congratulations!
~Sonja~ -
this is stunning!
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this is beautiful
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Thank you, BlackWidow...
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absolutely beautiful... I am stunned
that a poem about emptiness can contain so much... it's so full of life, so genteel, so much desire conveyed... beautifully done!
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and thank you so much for your entry! I forgot to thank you
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"in the lasting
orgasm of your breath,"...love that!
Reminds me of just silence with breathing and maybe an uncomfortable silence..
"softer, drowsier than wind
through a flute,
sit with the thin notes of silence,
abandoned by the song,"
The emptiness of wanting to say so much and then nothing comes out...trying to play the notes....blow out the words...and maybe it is not be listened to by the person, as well, as they are the ears and the mouth of the flute?...lol...my interpretation here(please tell me if I am way off...lol)...this is so beautiful and sad...
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Aah, thank you so much! You are close enough in your interpretation. The concept here is also one of wanting to be close, but there is no one...just silence, without voice and the "abandoned by song" is also the emptiness...thank you for the wonderful inspiration you provided!
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thank you, Nic I wasn't sure if the person was not there, physically, or unwilling to hear you...maybe my own personal emptiness coming in to play in this interpretation a bit
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We all have our own kinds of emptiness...and the "deaf" will always be with us...near or far
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the subtlety of terrible loneliness so subtly expressed by the subtle thin notes of your poetry . the lasting orgasm of your breath... wow...
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What a seducer of words you are! And such a unique flavor of writing. I often find myself so very tempted to snatch your lines for my own muse! This is a beautiful piece.
jen.
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Wonderful poem.
I almost began this comment with "Wonderful entry.": and how strange and inappropriate.
The one (relatively speaking) stranger of an image (the flute) I found perfectly tasteful.
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really nice in short poem. I love the whole concept of a wind within a flute
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this brings me to the kind of moments in which you simply keep missing the person - the narrow frame of time we sometimes do not realize exists until the feeling of their hand in ours has slipped past and we try to grasp onto every little detail we can hold onto desperately, to have it endure...
this speaks volumes... so many will read this and hear the soft voices that speak names, release the soft sounds of a moment where we feel wanted, loved, desired -- how they escape so naturally when our guard is left down for but a second...
Yes, there is so much to say about this one.
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If I say that I do not have any comment, that I am out of words, will you accept it?
~Sonja~
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Your writing is and will always be some of the best that I have ever discovered on this website. Your inspirations are truthful and interesting and your words fly straight to the heart of the reader. Thank you for your presence. Anthony.
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This is simply mesmerizing my friend... the way you manage to portray sadness within words is like a flower that buds in front of the eyes...
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Beautifully haunting...
Good luck in the contest - I really enjoyed reading this surreal poem!!!
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It's that fluttering sound that you seem to have explained very, very well, I liked this, may do one with the air of frivilous agendas, mmm. liked this.
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Your ceaseless gift of imagination and inspiration never fails to amaze me. After reading this I felt as bereft as the feeling within the poem resonates. I think of someone who I have tried for many days now to forget, remembering my deep affection for him and what I believed was his love for me. The final lines, especially, bring me down to tears. Perhaps in my case that is a good thing--it means I have reached a catharsis of sorts.
I wish you well in the contest, dear.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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Excellent
If I quoted my favorite line, I would have to quote the whole thing.
Joe
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This was truly beautiful and I adore your work.Sorry this comment is short.I find your poetry such a guilty pleasure
~helen
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this is so soft, it's like a wind you can't see.. but always feel.
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Haunting.
Wonderful read! You really have a way with words that holds the reader captive.
"sit with the thin notes of silence,
abandoned by the song,"
Your poetry really brings out the emotion and imagery as well. Nicely done!
Beautiful, Scribe.
~ Nicholas ~
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excellent
very well expressed poem. "Love is so short,forgetting is so long." Pablo Neruda...Thank you for sharing your very good poem
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Amazing sensory images in this, it sweeps you away with its thoughts and short mesmerising lines. I loved it. Love, C
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This is so beautiful and so full of sorrow.
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longing and emptiness; a wish,still waiting for an answer; a lovely flute, an unwanted silence; such wonderful offerings here, simply stirring and beautiful...PK
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"sit with the thin notes of silence,
abandoned by the song,"
This was excellent work! A beautiful flow of words simply captivating to the mind. Lines like the above are what pulled me in and kept me reading. Lovely and my pleasure to read ~Tia
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"softer, drowsier than wind
through a flute,
sit with the thin notes of silence,
abandoned by the song"
Sighhh...what a hauntingly beautiful, aching piece this is, my dear Friend...Ahhh, how I wish you didn't write this so well...Good luck in the contest, my Sister... Vlindertjie
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The reader has only ever read one other poet who reminds her of the awesome Neruda and that indeed is your talented self.The inspiration for the contest was a gift that the poet took and opened with such delicacy that upon re wrapping and paying it forward to the reader it was still in pristine condition.Methinks penultimate line keep/keeps perhaps?
The beautiful longing within the write and the depths are indeed indicative of emptiness,but what is revealed within the emptiness is not a cold place concentrating on the barren,another very special creation.Bravo!
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this is beautiful
al
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Ahh..this is tenderly beautiful..
" somewhere
from my insides a moan
slips. "
I love that line.
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Awwwwww I think this is a very beautiful poem. To have this loving devotion to that special someone is very rare, but it is also very precious.
The imagey you created is amazing as it takes the reader into your heart and soul touching them with the emotions of them. Making them appart of that loneliness which surrounds you.
I do wish you all the happiness you richly deserve and the best of luck in the contest
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an ooh and an aaahh
and a smile
and a nod
and a wistful wish i could
write like this
beautiful
elaine
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I see in lost a soulful find of word to follow...and this veautiful little verse so smims that sinking sound of what it is that might have been...lovely
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Such a gentle poem about wishful longing. The tenderness of a voice and softness of the lips, incredible Nic.
......"O take those lips away"
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Thanks, my friend..this poem started out differently, but then...
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Damn. That's all.....damn.
~sigh
~Lyrical
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Thank you...for the "damn"
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