Your thoughts are like a closed coffin
never leaving and always stuck
when do you plan to come out
or say how you really feel....
when will you tell them what you've told me
of what they did to you...
or what they plan to do...
Please come out and tell them
i miss the old you
the one that could play around and dance out in the rain
the type that could sing and keep me sane
but no...
now all you have is me
i'm not even a true friend just your simple concious
it's almost like talking to yourself
but now i'm telling you to let it all out
tell everyone the story
of just how bad they made you feel
all the details that become gory....
don't let them make you this way
just open the coffin before they can get it buried
please dear self for if you can't do it for yourself...
do it for me!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I really like this poem, it has a great message. The only thing I would suggest
"Your thoughts are like a closed coffin"
you should say something like:
"your thoughts are the corps trapped in a coffin"
or "your thoughts are trapped in a closed coffin"
or "Your mind is a coffin,
trapping your thoughts inside"
because the way you have it written it doesnt quite represent what (i think) you are trying to say. like the way you have written the poem, it seems like the person is inside of the coffin and you want them to be released, so you can use the metaphor that they are the physical coffin and need to open up to release whats within it, or you can say that their thoughts are trapped in the coffin... but you wrote thet their thoughts are a coffin, which isn't quite the same thing
lol whatever you probably don't caree. but i thought i would try to help a little
Adding your comment:
