I see you looking into my eyes
waiting for the shock like its a suprise
the shock of me finally remembering
but how long will i keep you waiting
I try so hard to remember when
there was an 'us' and could there be again
It breaks my heart to think what your going through
but thanks to the accident, theres nothing i can do
you tell me you love me each day
but the me you loved has gone away
i can only listen and try to remember
exactly what happened before last november
Its been a long time waiting now
but you wont give up like ill come back somehow
the doctors keep telling you my memory dances
from bad...to worse, and that there are slim chances
of me ever having my memory return
and I see it hits you hard and burns
into your heart to think i might never be
able to remember how much you loved me
but we can get to know eachother all over again
and we will love eachother like we did then
for now the learnings just begun
maybe this could be some fun x
one day maybe things will be the same
for now lets just try to play this game
of first dates and experiences that will last
in my memory without the past.
Author notes
... "Larry, I'm dancin ... with the stars"
A contest entry
- dictionary poetry by DancingRed.
300 points, ended July 15, 2007, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Originality Only Contest! by sunflowerpoet.
450 points, ended September 14, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Remember when? by Mistermuggs.
775 points, ended January 12, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Survival of the Wittiest by Avatar of Innocence.
500 points, ended February 4, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - THE MEMORIES REMAIN by juno0404.
600 points, ended January 21, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - best prewrites by dory.
500 points, ended July 30, 2008, 89 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever You Want Just So It Rhymes by piccola.
600 points, ended August 3, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Very pretty and somewhat sad. thank you for entering
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I appreciate the interweaving of memory loss in the aspect of unrequited love, but this poem just wasn't to my taste...there was too much of the love element that it overpowered the last couple of stanzas regarding memory loss. Or maybe memory loss is due because of the love aspect...Eesh...I have nothing else constructive to say...My apologies.
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This is so sad.
"you tell me you love me each day
but the me you loved has gone away
i can only listen and try to remember
exactly what happened before last november"
This is so painful, it brought tears to my eyes.
It's a sad beautiful piece.
Thank you for sharing with us.
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Thank you for entering your poem.
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Amazing
I really enjoyed your poem because at times I want to make everything go away and to forget it all, but your poem makes me realize that there are people in this world who do actually have difficulties remembering things and the problem is that they want to remember them but there is something there that is hindering them from doing so. I mean I should consider myself lucky that I dont forget everything because though there are things that have been hard in my life I know that there are equally wonderful things that I wouldnt ever want to forget such as a first love. You have an amazing talent and you should write more, Maybe even consider getting published if you havent already. Great Job and Never stop writing with such passion and tenderness. You have an amazing ability and you should use it to the fullest. Take care and good luck.
Xoxoxoxo,
~Night Mistress 1~
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woaw!
you know what, I really wanted to have an amnesia. =(
to forget all of the hurts I've gone through...(know what i mean? hahaha!)
this poem, is very nice! i like the concept.
continue the good job! =D -
Wow
I love this poem it's kinda sad tho... I hope it isn't based on real events but if it is I hope it'll get better for you... Great sence of rhythm and imagery... Great poem hun!! Keep up the great work -
This made me feel as if I had ammnesia for a moment. That's a big accomplishment on your part. I'm hard to make felt on anything. It wonderful. Keep writing.
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The overall feeling that this created was a warmth in the heart, an overall belief that if you're meant for someone then nothing will get in the way of that. 'The shock of me finally remembering, but how long will i keep you waiting' it's almost like a game, of cat and mouse, as though in your heart you know the ending, but you're waiting for your head to catch up? 'maybe this could be some fun' yet 'I see it hits you hard and burns' seeing the bright side? or perhaps only seeing it from your own. A very good ending also!! a great write, good luck!!
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Hi,
I loved this. The theme is unique, and I loved the rhyming too. I loved the rhythm and even though some rhymes like "remember" and "november" seemed a litlle forced, it was overall quite enjoyable because of the theme and the flow. Thanks for the entry and Good Luck!
Hugz,
Sunflower. -
Wow all I have to say is this is so powerful and full of emotion,Hazel
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I like it it is interesting.
My first impression is there is a great depth of feelings in this. Emotionally I can sense the feelings of the loss of memory and how its effects make you feel. This is noy awkward and should not be changed. I like all of this as it is well written. The title is perfect for this and the first line starts this off just right. The last line sums this up perfectly. I like this.
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A very unique topic. I've never read anything of this nature before. You've penned some deep emotions, but your writing is clear and well put together. Best wishes to you in the contest.
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This is really sad but it is a very good write.It is very nice to make new memories but im sure it would be hard.Best wishes
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Nicely done. I like how you've woven feelings & a strong story into these words.
I'm not too keen on the rhyme, to be honest. It's harder to please my rhyming side.
However, here's my two cents worth on how it could have been better;
"...there are slim chances
of me ever having my memory return
and I see it hits you hard and burns
into your heart..."
The end rhyme stresses the last word, making the flow seem a little off - you'll notice the emphasis in on 'chances' and then 'returns', both of which are in the middle of a sentence. In my opinion this makes it seem fabricated & unnatural.
"you tell me you love me each day
but the me you loved has gone away
i can only listen and try to remember
exactly what happened before last november"
This stanza further up worked better in that regard - the ends of each line follow a natural speech pattern which flows smoothly when read. The second line of that stanza is very cleverly done. And 'november' is an awesomely unique rhyme to use.
That said, some of the other rhymes are a little ordinary. But nothing a little experimenting won't cure.
Something else I think that would make better rhyme is keeping syllable counts in each line the same, so it flows more easily. For example the last two lines here - one has 12 syllables and the other only 8/9 (depending how 'memory' is said). If the syllables are more or less the same the whole way through I find it flows somewhat better.
A few small errors - 'surprise' in the second line. 'i'll' might need some punctuation so it doesn't look like ill (as in sick).
I'm find with the lowercase throughout most of the poem - I usually prefer that in my own poems, too.
Umm, and lines 21 & 22 I think you meant 'each other' - it just wants a space in there.
I hope you didn't mind those few pointers.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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very good
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i dig it...really, really great poem..
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Great write
Oh how lovely and to refresh a memory or rebuild a new one with someone you each loved . Beautiful way to make memories come to life
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good for a failing relationshi
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mm...interesting...i like this, it's sweet
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I really liked this, it was so sad though. Made me feel bad for that guy. His girl too. Good poem and keep writing.
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