It is because I love you that I created
your likeness from the stubs of old candles.
My intent was just to gaze at you whenever I wanted
and to stroke my fingers down your beguiling feminine length.
Then you left me wanting - too busy with other things
maybe other people, to spend time with me - to love me,
and so I started to pick at the wax, to gash slivers from it,
and you began to sicken, crawling back to my bed - to me.
I keep that likeness in my pocket and when you begin to heal
I will pick and gash once more - you always will be mine.
A contest entry
- Show me your best Dirty Pretty by Nobody Royale.
500 points, ended July 6, 2007, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
Strange but good!
I know the feeling of creating a likeness of someone of wax to have them under your control. It sounds like a personal experience, like you have done it or considered it. It is free form and though it has no rhyme scheme it still is very poetic.I love the last two lines!i was expecting a poem about heart break, but i like this much more!!! -
Wow! What a powerful piece this is.
To imagine loving someone so much that you would hurt them to keep them........ deep....
It reminded me a little of "misery" by Stephen King.
Very atmospheric piece indeed!
-
-
Hi EmeraldDreams, thanks for reading and the complimentary comment.
-
-
this is a tad unsettling as I can picture people doing many things to keep the one they love. I think that you have conveyed something many feel.
-
Oh my. This is some poem that you have going here.
Sounds kind of creepy and that you've taken the idea of a voodoo doll and this time it became a wax candle. It reminded of a Alfred Hitchcock story or something with that weird and creepy twist at the end. You did a good job of expressing yourself.
-
mmmmmmmmmmm, to tell you the trueth--from experience!--LOVE HURTS! And obvoiusly you found out.A touching wirte! I like it how you refered to (as my point of view) Her heart as a candle, well done!
-
Promise...sing
Love cannot know betrayal as one should give credit to the loved one that his or her actions were dictated by motivations which should be respected irrespective of the corollary effects ...
Diction could be tightened in places ... other things for example could be other priorities or to slash slivers rather than gash slivers ?
Hoping this comment is construed as constructive criticism -
-
Thanks for reading and for your constructive comments, I agree that slash will fit in the poem better. I really appreciate comments such as yours as they help me to improve my writing. Best wishes K
-
-
I liked this, I feel as if not only there is the "voodoo" image in this, but maybe also just a picture of an abusive relationship, or a controlling one? That could be just my interpretation. I love how the emotion becomes more intense as you get further into the piece, I do not however like the last two lines; I feel as if the ideas they represent belong there; but maybe worded differently. This was really great piece! Thanks for sharing it!
Amanda -
-
Hi Amanda, thank you for reading and commenting. It was not meant to depict an abusive or controlling relationship however I can see why you would percieve it as such. The idea was to depict loving someone so much that when they betrayed you you wished them to come to harm so they needed you. I know what you mean about the last two lines, they say what I want to say but need some work. Once again thanks I will return the favour. Best wishes Kay
-
-
I liked this poem...I like the undertone of voodoo in it..nicely done...my favorite line 'My intent was just to gaze at you whenever I wanted
and to stroke my fingers down your beguiling feminine length.'...Thank you for your entry and good luck...
-
-
Hi Sly, thanks for reading and commenting, I couldn't for the life of me think of the name for such figures whilst writing, and then reading your comment realised it's a voodoo doll. However I am pleased I didn't think of it's name whilst writing as the hint of it is almost more apt. I really drew the inspiration from your contest, I haven't written much for quite a while and at the moment contests are proving to be my inspiration, so thank you. K
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
