She labours over moonlight
breathed into ivory persuasion,
Sends wholesome chords rumbling
through poorly fingered dischords.
A butterfly beats its painted wings
A tree tumbles unseen in the Amazon
Hawking's universe sits neatly in a nutshell
And Beethoven bleeds silently from his grave.
Author notes
The imagine given made me think of a person bent bleeding over a piano. I managed to butcher Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata today so this is where the poem comes from.
Option A
Faded
Spoils of War
A contest entry
- Write with Passion by Midnight by amaranthine lover.
520 points, ended July 4, 2007, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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i've returned to this poem time and again without really knowing why it charms me. i still can't pin point it out.
in the first stz, i think it would have been helpful for the sake of allusion to the moonlight sonata if you had capitalized the M of the moonlight.
the correspondence between moonlight and ivory is quite striking. both are white, moonlight in this context refers to a piece of music and the ivory is obviously a reference to the white keys of a piano. both of them invoke a sense of beauty and rarity and somehow of something that is very far away.
the lines 3 & 4 are my favorites. it presents a wonderful paradox: chords that are both wholesome yet discordant. i think that is possible, don't you?
the 2nd stz didn't go well with me. i do understand that you are trying to invoke a sense of microcosm in a sonata, a sense of a miniature universe contained in music. but just 3 lines don't seem to be up to that task.
last line is a fitting ending. however, "silenty" should have been "silently"
miss-gold-winner
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Your comments always make me chuckle because you always spot what i try to hide! Those three lines you hate? Well I'd had 'Hawking's universe sits neatly in a nutshell' going round in my head for a few days and I was looking for an opportunity to put it somewhere. So, it got crammed into this poem cos it kinda worked, together with a couple of extra lines to help it out a little.
Ahhh.
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you are the first one to chuckle at my comments. most of the times, i expect replies brimming with anger.
yes, i do think that "Hawking's universe sits neatly in a nutshell" is a good line (but of all the people why Hawking? maybe Einstein, Hubble, or Guth ). but the transition from the "butterfly" and the "tree in the Amazon" to the "universe" is too sudden. also, since i am used to studying the chaos theory, these two lines seem to have cause and effect relation. "the flapping of a butterfly's wings caused the tree to fall at the other part of the world." the overall combination of these 3 lines was just too odd for me.
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WOW
Absoultly amazing. Wonderfully put. I truely love this. This is an awesome poem. This is the first poem of yours that I have read but from what I see here I know that your others must be just as good or better. Im going to read more of your poems. From what I see here you must be an amazing writer.
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I stumble into the briefness of this because the moment that you have captured is full of afterthoughts. Bravo!
As always, you are indeed a brilliant writer.
Cheers!
Congratulations on the gold
>>>VIRGOAN
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Promise...sing
Moonlight sonata mocks all wars which fade
"Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
what thou among thy leaves hast ever known"
that even discords, with pure heart strings played
may topsy turvy turn those worlds which yet
some Hawking soul might find all on his own.
Ivory persuasion honey eyed
may still the starlings' chatter cheap at dusk,
cause trees to scorn the seasons' cycle thrown
awry by global warming, leave tongue tied
the reader who ensnared by timeless verses' musk
must feel all others are as dust reel blown.
One butterfly may spread fair beauty's wings
which half world over catalyzes joy,
the which, once shared, shall harvest insight sown
as word reeds which the poetess here sings
in lines where art for art's sake won't employ
devices false or phrases overblown ...
nb fade far away ... see John Keats - The Nightingale -
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A delightful comment. Thank you.
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I can't believe the lack of comments on some of your work. You are truly amazing, you write some wonderful, beautiful, creative verse and it goes unnoticed compared to others. Take mine for example, what a lot of silly shit, mainly designed to wind people up and I get shedloads of comments. If I could write like you I would be rich.
As for Beethoven bleeding, you sure he wasn't just de-composing.
God I am funny, that much I know.
This is wonderful.
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Funny? Derivitave, mate. More than one person has heard the Python song. Smartarse.
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Which song is that? Cute pic, have I claimed 50 points from you yet?
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Try it and get a bunch of fives.
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A bunch of fives? Hands up who likes fisting. 50 points please.
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This is truly one beautiful piece, thanks so much for entering
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A unique vision ! I loved this very much!
Very well penned , I enjoyed the read very much!
ps . You did make me smile damnit lol (wink) lol
on my poem you read !
~Lisa~
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I really liked this. It was short and simple, made it easier to read. I don't think I've read many like this so you definitely get props for originality. Good luck in the contest you entered.
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a major imporvemnt from your last poem i read. this really really good. You clearly showed the readers what you were seeing in your head.
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